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You are here: Home / Archives for 30 Days of Kink

30 Days of Kink — Day 22

August 28, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

This is going to be a rather short blog post (I heard that relieved applause back there). I don’t think there really is much of a difference in keeping a BDSM vs. vanilla relationship healthy. It’s a relationship, period, and as such it takes communication, compatibility, communication, honesty, and communication:)

To me the only real area that might be markedly different vis-a-vis vanilla vs. kinky is in the area of sexual compatibility. Many kinky people try to maintain a vanilla relationship and find that it’s simply not something that will work.

I am one of those people.

I’ve tried vanilla … and I’m 99% sure I’ll never do it again. For many of us, trying to maintain a vanilla relationship is like living your life holding a part of yourself back, hiding that important, even vital, aspect of your sexuality as if it’s something that’s … optional. With me it’s not optional, at least not anymore! I suppose that realization often comes with time, and life experience, and most of all, perspective.

The bottom line is that it’s being true to who I really am for the first time in my life. Many people live their entire lives without being able to be comfortable with who they are. I managed to do it though, and I highly recommend it:)

Until Day 23.

Trent

 

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, bdsm relationship, BDSM relationships, being at peace, communication, communication compatibility, mysteries of vanilla sexuality, sexual compatibility, time and life, Trent Evans, vanilla relationship

30 Days of Kink — Day 21

August 24, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Picking just one book here is damn near impossible. There are way too many stellar BDSM books, both fiction and non-fiction. Since I happen to be a smut slinger (and to keep this blog post of a manageable size), I’ll limit this to my favorite BDSM fiction book, and include a list of ten BDSM books I think any kinky person should read.

Favorite BDSM book:

Owned and Owner by Anneke Jacob

I have to admit that I’m in awe of Anneke Jacob and her writing chops, and I think her first published novel is still her best. A better book on total power exchange in a consensual non-consent context you will never find (though Jacob’s second novel As She’s Told comes very, very close). This is a truly brave,  even visionary book that’s chock full of great writing, indelible images, and real, raw emotions. I’ve read it several times, and each time I find something new. This is a remarkable book, by a supremely talented writer.

Oh yeah, and it’s nuclear hot, too.

Ten Works of BDSM fiction Every Kinky Person Should Read:

Ice Queen/Mirror of My Soul — Joey W. Hill

A harrowing, moving two-part epic of forgiveness, acceptance, and love. Perhaps the best exploration of a female switch protagonist I’ve ever read, and the books are full of very hot D/s scenes. The emotional build-up of these stories is second to none.

The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy — A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)

A sprawling, beautifully written exploration of the darker side of desire and love. You name the flavor of BDSM, and you’re probably going to find it here. Ms. Rice doesn’t once flinch in her depiction of this fantasy land of pain and pleasure. With the exception of The Story of O, no work has been more influential on modern BDSM erotica.

Story of O: A Novel — Pauline Réage

How many of us somehow got our hands on a copy of this, and read it surreptitiously, so rapt were we as we turned its pages, that we sometimes forgot to breathe? So much evocative imagery is packed into such spare prose, as the book takes the reader on a very dark journey indeed. A truly unique example of BDSM erotica, I regard this story as the seminal work in modern erotic fiction.

The Reluctant Dom — Tymber Dalton

The single most moving (and wrenching) book I’ve ever read. I’ve read it twice and both times it tore me apart. That said, it’s soo worth it. This story is all about love — oh dear God, such LOVE —  but it’s packed with hot BDSM too. Anyone who reads this and isn’t reduced to tears may need to put out an APB for their missing soul. This is simply a stunning book, and it’s nothing short of a towering achievement for Ms. Dalton.

The Territory Within — P.N. Dedeaux

A fascinating and twisted tale of a very special country with its own brand of institutionalized male dominance. “A Dom’s Dream” could be another title for this one, and it is at times harsh, and at others wickedly sly. Some of the BDSM scenes in this book are some of the hottest I’ve ever read. Serious corporal punishment, lots of pain, and rigorously enforced (sometimes of the dubious consent variety) female submission is pervasive in this story. This is definitely NOT a romance, but the tale is ultimately a happy one — once the reader is wrung out from the journey, that is.

As She’s Told — Anneke Jacob

If anything, this is even more of a risk for Ms, Jacob, since this story takes place in a contemporary setting rather than the sci-fi setting of her previous Owned and Owner. Another epic masterpiece from Anneke Jacob that explores just what might be possible in a modern TPE relationship if both parties want it bad enough.As thought-provoking as it is hot. And it is very, very hot.

Hall of Infamy (Pleasure and Pain) — Amanita Virosa

Perhaps one of the best corporal punishment oriented books I’ve ever read, this one has plenty of other kinks in it too. I’ve long suspected this author is a writer in another genre, because they are much too adept with description here, the characterization too deft for someone with only a handful of published works to their name. The character of Lady Alicia especially in this book is equal parts malevolent and mesmerizing.

Natural Law — Joey W. Hill

One of Ms. Hill’s best, and a quite accessible male sub book — even for those who don’t normally read male sub books (read: people like me). The chemistry between Violet and Mac is positively electric, and the BDSM is plentiful and hot. Most of all, this is just a superb example of modern erotic romance.

Citadel Of Servitude — Aran Ashe

Like the Sleeping Beauty trilogy, Ashe’s Chronicles of Tormunil depicts a lush, yet often harsh, BDSM fantasy world. However, the Tormunil series ups the ante in the sheer breadth of the fetishes it explores. Aran Ashe has an unparalleled imagination, and it is given free rein in this series. There are five books in the Chronicles of Tormunil, all of which are good, but this one (Book 2) is the best of the lot.

Eliska — Von Mechtingen

A very interesting storytelling device is used here (a sort of one-way epistolary structure) and the setting — a backwater province in central Europe during the height of the power of the Holy Roman Empire — is nearly unique in BDSM erotica. The way the author writes this tale, you feel the oppressiveness, even hopelessness, of the setting. Somehow this gloom adds to the eroticism, and the reader is completely immersed in this dark, cruel world of hundreds of years ago. Lots of corporal punishment, cruel bondage, and fuckings (of both the consensual and not-so-consensual varieties) galore.

Kushiel’s Dart (Kushiel’s Legacy) — Jacqueline Carey

Ms. Carey might very well be horrified to be included in this list, but her study of the heroine Phédre’s struggles with the profound consequences of her deep-seated masochism is stunning. This incredible, epic fantasy is something I think any submissive woman should read — even if she doesn’t like fantasy. It’s that good.

There are a whole bunch of others that could easily have made this list too, but I had to cut it off somewhere. Maybe I’ll do another list of BDSM books another time:)

Until Day 22.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, Amanita Virosa, Anne Rice, Anneke Jacob, Aran Ashe, bdsm books, bdsm erotica, Jacqueline Carey, Joey W. Hill, kinky person, mirror of my soul, P.N. Dedeaux, Pauline Réage, raw emotions, to ten list of BDSM fiction works, Trent's favorites, Tymber Dalton, Von Mechtingen

30 Days of Kink — Day 20

August 22, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I’d like to talk about two different topics here — one I don’t understand, and one I’m curious about.

“Stop doing kink that way! You’re going to ruin everything!”

I’m probably going to step on some toes here, but one of the things I don’t understand with regard to kink is why a significant cohort of kink practitioners/proponents feel a need to lecture or instruct others on what the “proper” form of kink expression is.  Note that I’m not referring to people who talk about safety — it should go without saying that advocating safety is a good thing.

No, what I’m getting at is this idea that’s put forth that certain types of kink are beyond the pale, or that if anyone decides to engage in activity outside the protective confines of SSC or RACK then they have somehow gone off the reservation. Often it’s quite subtle, but I’m seeing it more and more online — and it baffles me. One of the best, most freeing aspects of kink is the basically subversive nature of it; in many ways, kink is a rebellion against the confines of vanilla sexuality or mores. I’m guessing that that very nature of kink is the source of at least some of its appeal.

There is an ongoing movement afoot to get kink entirely removed as a psychological disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM). The most recent iteration, DSM-V, while not removing paraphilias as a disorder per se, has demoted the status of paraphilias from a full-blown disorder by applying a nebulous if/then equivocation to potential diagnosis: if the paraphilia causes distress then it is a disorder, otherwise, go about your perverted ways, you sickos!

I think this particular type of reevaluation is a good thing indeed, despite the gray areas that remain in APA treatment of kink. Those who’ve followed along with me know that I usually hesitate to deem the experiences of the LGBT community as analogous to those of the kink community (it’s difficult to deem anything as a clear analog to kink), but it is worth noting that the evolution of the treatment of the two respective communities by modern psychology seems to be following a somewhat similar trajectory. The bottom line, to me, is that things appear to be (slowly) moving in the right direction.

But what I’m seeing more and more often is this tendency to “normalize” (read: homogenize) kink in the popular culture. When I see instances of it, the tone often feels like a clumsy sort of kink sales roadshow; frequently it’s discussed in terms or ways that are “lighter” or interspersed with (or drowned in) nervous humor. Perhaps this is an effort to make the “lifestyle” less threatening to people out in the vanilla world? Or maybe it’s just that these kink normalizers simply want to help destigmatize kink? If so, their motives are laudable. However, an effort to destigmatize kink that results in a watering down of the things that make kink distinctive is ultimately (IMHO) self-defeating. Maybe I’m weird — okay, not much “maybe” about that — but I don’t want kink to be “normalized”. Life is full of enough guidelines, rules, and laws as it is, so the last thing I want is kink forced into some neat, tidy, sanitized box.

It’s possible (even likely) that I’m not seeing the “big picture” with this normalization of kink, but what I’ve seen thus far is … troubling. If there are any out there who’d like to explain to me why this brand of kink normalization is a great thing, I’d love to hear from you — either in the comments or privately via the contact form above. I’m genuinely baffled, so I’m open to being edumacated on this subject:)

Now, on to the “curious” topic.

I think it’s fairly clear where my own orientation within kink falls. No, Sheri, bat-shit crazy is not my orientation:) Where was I? Oh yes. Curious.

I am very curious about female switches. Always have been. I’m going to digress a little here, but I promise it will eventually steer back on topic. In fiction, I’m not particularly a fan of femdom where the Domme treats the male sub as a disgusting worm, with really heavy humiliation, and where she generally regards him with outright contempt. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that particular kink though. It’s just not for me. YKINMKBTOK.

What does sometimes interest me, if it’s written well, is the depiction of “strong” male submissives in a more loving (though still strict) D/s dynamic with their Domme. Joey W Hill does this particularly well. I’m certainly not normally oriented toward the male sub mindset, but when depicted in that way, I can definitely see the motivation, feel how that dynamic might work for the couple. It’s something I have to be able to do with female subs when I write about them, so I think it’s valuable to be able to get into that headspace with a male sub too. This is where female switches come in.

They are comfortable in both roles, though in my (admittedly limited) interaction with real-life switches, I’ve noticed that they often seem to lean toward one side more than the other. What fascinates me about them is that they don’t see things in a binary way; they don’t feel either dominant or submissive, rather they seem to have a fluid sort of orientation that’s adaptable to the situation at hand. I actually admire them for being that comfortable with themselves that they aren’t threatened by embracing both halves of the D/s dynamic.

Even as I admire them, I’m curious as to how they actually do it. To be blunt, I would not feel comfortable in a male submissive role (I think I’d be constantly trying to take over and do shit my way), so it amazes me when other people can be both dominant and submissive, depending upon the needs or wants of the situation or relationship. I don’t know. I’m not 100% closed off to trying it — I’ll try just about anything once — but it’s definitely not natural for me:)

If there are any switches out there who’d like to chime in with how they’re able to do it, I’d definitely love to hear your take.

Until Day 21.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, APA, baffled Trent, BDSM psychology, BDSM safety, D/s, destigmatizing kink, DSM-V, female submission, female switches, health, kink normalization, kink shaming, male submission, mental-health, paraphilias, trent's thoughts

30 Days of Kink — Day 19

July 20, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

In many ways, this is one of those chicken or the egg/which came first questions. Have I embraced kink because my life has improved (e.g. I’m more comfortable with myself), or has kink demonstrably improved how I view and live my life? I don’t suppose it really matters either way when you get right down to it, as the answer is an unqualified ‘yes’.

First and foremost, and most surprisingly, it’s helped me just relax about being who I am, about being different than the “norm”. So you’re a dude who likes to spank women, who likes to run the show in the bedroom. Big effing deal. There are hundreds of thousands, maybe millions like you in this country alone. Welcome to a very large club! So, you like to write erotica and erotic romance soaked in BDSM. Big whoop — there are hundreds, thousands more who do the same thing. I think realizing that you are not alone, that you aren’t a simple aberration of the human condition really helps. I suppose the Intertubez are an integral part of that as well:)

In a larger sense though, discovering this entire world outside of your little tiny, insular existence is equal parts exhilarating, and humbling. Not only are you not alone, but you aren’t even that uncommon in the larger world of kink. To some that might be disturbing as it might lessen the sense of uniqueness that they may pride themselves on. Hard to tell, but for me, it was a huge relief:)

Secondly, kink has certainly helped me understand people better, even vanilla people. I’m going to take a wild guess here, and state that, by and large, kinky people are somewhat more open about sex and sexuality than most people. I understand that this is a gross generalization, but I think it’s probably fairly accurate. In my case, it’s definitely opened my eyes to the motivations of those around me, allowed me to perceive some of the subtler interpersonal interactions and cues that many of us are subconsciously aware of, but don’t necessarily consciously perceive. What I mean by this, specifically, is how driven many (if not most) people are by their base animal instincts. Modern human culture and social mores have necessarily put a brake on these urges, redirected them, channeled them into (sometimes) more constructive endeavors, but those drives, those urges, remain, as viscerally vital to all of us as fear or hunger are. This probably sounds like a bunch of foofy shit to most of you, but hopefully a few of you get what I’m trying to say here;)

Lastly, kink has unexpectedly allowed me to understand myself. It’s been a way to help me sort out who the fuck I am. I’m not particularly deep or complex, but oddly enough, those parts of me that were forever an inscrutable mystery to me have started to make a helluva lot more sense since I’ve been able to admit, to be at peace with who I am. Once I could make sense of the tangled mess that was me, it not only helped me understand others, it helped me empathize with others. My friend, and blogging partner over at Romancing The Kink, the talented Natasha Knight, has a famous quote at the end of her e-mails that I’ve always liked, and one it’s something that I think perfectly crystallizes what many of us who are kinky go through inside our own heads:

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Jesus, this all sounds like self-indulgent navel-gazing from me, doesn’t it? I’m going to do all of you a big favor and STFU for now:)

Until Day 20.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, BDSM psychology, kink acceptance, Natasha Knight, random thoughts, Romancing The Kink, thoughts on kink, Trent Evans

30 Days of Kink — Day 18

April 11, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Hmm, pet peeves. I’m not sure I’ve got anything that really irritates me per se, but there are a few things I see here and there that make me chuckle or shake my head.  Here they are in no particular order:

— Use of the verb “dominate” as a noun (presumably the person means a “Dominant” — e.g. “He’s a sexual Dominant.”). I see this all the time, but I assume most of the time that it’s simply a typo …

— Authors — or just people in general — who maintain that there is only one way (or their way) to do any number of kink activities. Kink is as varied as the people who practice it;  as long as it’s consensual, and all parties involved are enjoying it, there is no “wrong” way IMO. I accept and celebrate that diversity:)

— The mistaken impression that a BDSM author is somehow an expert or an authority on kink. While many BDSM authors are quite well-informed, and a significant number (including myself) self-identify as kinky, it does not make us experts. Most everything comes down to opinion, really. I do my very best with questions, but I’ve — more than once — found myself having to answer questions with “I’m not qualified to give you an opinion.” While I’d love to know the answer to every kink question, sometimes I just have to punt!

— The attempt to mainstream or homogenize kink in fiction makes me chuckle. At some point smoothing the rough/sharp edges renders “kink lite” to be unrecognizable as kink at all. That said, considering what I wrote about in point #2 … vive la différence!

I think that’s about it. I try not to get too worked up about things regarding kink (a change from my younger days), but I’m sure once I post this I’ll think of something I should’ve added:)

Until Day 19!

Best,

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, kink lite, kink mainstreaming, pet peeves, Trent Evans, writing

30 Days of Kink – Day 17

December 1, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

There is one word that makes me see red when it’s used to describe kink: deviance.

This word is a smear, a lazy (and stupid) libel of people who are kinky (or simply dabble in BDSM play). Modern psychology doesn’t help matters when it labels “sadomasochism” as a mental disorder in the DSM—IV. To those who smugly highlight that fact, I would respond by informing them that the DSM used to label homosexuality as a mental disorder too.

Kinky people are not deviants any more than people who like blondes or anal sex are deviants. Human beings are infinitely diverse, because every person is literally unique, with their own singular spin to everything, including their sexuality. Have you ever wondered if two different people perceive the color red exactly the same way? They don’t. Is it close, very close? Yes, of course. But the point here is that sexuality, something orders of magnitude more complicated than the perception of a single spectrum of visible light, is unique to every person. A group of us happen to be labeled as “kinky”, because we are a distinct minority in raw numbers as opposed to those of a “vanilla” sexuality. Does that make us any more ‘deviant’ than those people who enjoy anal sex (another distinct group of us that can be classified and/or labeled)? How many ghettos do we want to conjure up for sexual variance in the human animal? It quickly gets into the realm of the absurd.

Kink is a variation. Yes, there are some who practice kink who are mentally unstable, even dangerous, but the fact is that any group of people, including those of vanilla persuasion, will have a certain percentage of dingbats. There is zero proof, none, that kinky people have a higher incidence of mental illness than the larger vanilla community as a whole. Oh wait! :::headslap::: There is 100% mental illness in the kinky population, right? The DSM says it’s so, therefore it must be true, yes? <end rant>

Kinky people are just like everyone else in all other areas of their lives. We are NO different. If you meet one of us, keep an open mind, and give us a chance:) We aren’t running wild through the streets swinging whips and slapping collars on any hapless female who crosses our paths. We aren’t child molesters, nor rapists, nor criminals. We are just people; a few of us are bad, but most of us are good …  just like any other group of people.

Until Day 18.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, BDSM psychology, deviance, distinct group, distinct minority, dsm iv, health, kink, kink acceptance, kink shaming, libel, love, maturing, mental-health, modern psychology, prejudice, psychology, science, sex positive, sexual development, sexual empowerment, sexual variations, shame, society, spectrum of visible light

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