Trent Evans Letters

You are here: Home / Archives for kink shaming

Spanking Roundtable Discussion — How have your spanking stories changed?

By

new_table

 

 

This month’s Spanking Roundtable Discussion is hosted by Cara Bristol, who was inspired by a comment by Natasha Knight, who said when she’d first begun writing spanking stories, they were erotic rather than disciplinary. Cara posed the following intriguing question to this month’s Roundtable:

How have your spanking stories evolved since you began writing?

This month’s Spanking Roundtable Discussion is hosted by Cara Bristol, who was inspired by a comment by Natasha Knight, who said she’d when she first began writing spanking stories, they were erotic rather than disciplinary.

How have your spanking stories evolved since you began writing?

1. Do you do anything differently now than when you first began writing?

The short answer to this is that I do everything differently from what I used to do as a novice. [Read more…]

Spanking Round Table: “Spanking and Feminism”

By

new_table

 

Hello all,

When my friend Renee Rose asked me to join this month’s round table discussion I was surprised and honored … and I almost declined. Why? Well, I’m a guy, and at first, I wasn’t sure that my viewpoint would really be particularly relevant to this particular subject. I took several days to think about it though, and decided that perhaps, if nothing else, I might be able to offer a sort of “outsider’s view”. We’ll see if I succeed or not:)

At first blush, Spanking and Feminism would seem to suffer a fatal incongruity. How on Earth could these possibly be part of the same discussion, let alone be somehow compatible? When you really think about it though, the growing acceptance of one (spanking), is a result of the triumph of the other (feminism).

I can hear the peanut gallery coughing “bullshit!” à la the Delta House right about now (those of you under the age of 30 will have no idea what that reference meant, sorry about that). Stick with me though, because this will make sense in a minute.

First, I want to define for this post what I mean by “spanking”. I’m a male, and I identify as a heterosexual Dominant, so for my purposes, I’m referring here to spanking in a male dominant/female submissive context. Furthermore, since — in this context — the female being spanked is the submissive, I’m going to necessarily use the terms “spanking” and “submissive” more or less interchangeably here.

Now, how can the growing acceptance of spanking be a result of the triumph of feminism? In many ways, spanking, and the fact that women would want, and sometimes ask, their men to spank them, seems anathema to nearly everything taught and believed by classical feminism. But for me, when you get down to its core, feminism is supposed to give women choices, options, the power to be who and what they really are.

I really see spanking as a manifestation of just that  — women choosing to explore their sexuality in the way that makes the most sense to them, that gives them the most pleasure, that affirms what they believe.  Further, it seems to me that embracing spanking and female sexual submission sometimes could be a way of pushing back against classical feminist dogma that occasionally seeks to enforce conformity to a certain set of beliefs.

As an aside, I am blessed in that most of my close friends happen to be female, and this is one of the most surprising things I’ve learned from them. Often they feel “guilt-tripped” into acting/believing a certain way — almost as if they’ll be viewed as betraying the cause if they choose to go a different path. To me, submissive women, and especially those submissive women who are brave enough to “out” themselves as such, are exercising the freedom that the success of feminism has brought them. (Full disclosure: Outside the confines of the bedroom, I’m pretty much fully “in the closet” vis-a-vis my kinkiness, so I admire the fuck out of women who are out of the closet kinky — and thus ends Trent’s non-sequitur theater).

Maybe some see spanking/submission as a subversion of the ideals of feminism. I know some see it as a giant step backward for feminism (the success of 50 Shades spawned innumerable conversations and debates along these lines). But ultimately, I keep circling back to what feminism means to me — and that’s freedom. Before feminism, if you were a self-identified sexual submissive of any stripe, I’d imagine you’d keep fucking quiet about it for self-preservation reasons. Now, if you choose to (again, that freedom thing), you can openly embrace submission as being an expression of who you really are inside. I’ve said before on this blog that submission is a fundamentally brave act, and I still believe that. The fact that some women identify as submissive knowing that a certain cohort of women will reflexively see that as weak at best, or a betrayal at worst, just makes me admire their courage all the more:)

To those self-identified feminists who are troubled by what women running around asking to have their asses tanned means for the movement or for the state of women in general, I would gently suggest this: perhaps this embrace of spanking, and kink specifically, and female sexual empowerment in general, is a direct manifestation of the hard-won victories of feminism’s past. Instead of being troubled by what they see, I would hope those feminists would be bursting with pride at the freedoms (sexual or otherwise) all of their past struggles have brought modern women.

Rather than see spanking and sexual submission as a “threat” to the ideals of feminism, I sincerely hope that more people open their minds — and hearts — and see spanking/sexual submissiveness/kink for what it is:  an expression of the true natures of these women, and an embracing of themselves as positive, sexual beings.  What’s not to love about that?

I hope you’ll take the time to visit all of the other blogs in this month’s discussion (see below). There is some fascinating and thought-provoking stuff being posted by these ladies. Thanks for reading!

30 Days of Kink — Day 20

By

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I’d like to talk about two different topics here — one I don’t understand, and one I’m curious about.

“Stop doing kink that way! You’re going to ruin everything!”

I’m probably going to step on some toes here, but one of the things I don’t understand with regard to kink is why a significant cohort of kink practitioners/proponents feel a need to lecture or instruct others on what the “proper” form of kink expression is.  Note that I’m not referring to people who talk about safety — it should go without saying that advocating safety is a good thing.

No, what I’m getting at is this idea that’s put forth that certain types of kink are beyond the pale, or that if anyone decides to engage in activity outside the protective confines of SSC or RACK then they have somehow gone off the reservation. Often it’s quite subtle, but I’m seeing it more and more online — and it baffles me. One of the best, most freeing aspects of kink is the basically subversive nature of it; in many ways, kink is a rebellion against the confines of vanilla sexuality or mores. I’m guessing that that very nature of kink is the source of at least some of its appeal.

There is an ongoing movement afoot to get kink entirely removed as a psychological disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM). The most recent iteration, DSM-V, while not removing paraphilias as a disorder per se, has demoted the status of paraphilias from a full-blown disorder by applying a nebulous if/then equivocation to potential diagnosis: if the paraphilia causes distress then it is a disorder, otherwise, go about your perverted ways, you sickos!

I think this particular type of reevaluation is a good thing indeed, despite the gray areas that remain in APA treatment of kink. Those who’ve followed along with me know that I usually hesitate to deem the experiences of the LGBT community as analogous to those of the kink community (it’s difficult to deem anything as a clear analog to kink), but it is worth noting that the evolution of the treatment of the two respective communities by modern psychology seems to be following a somewhat similar trajectory. The bottom line, to me, is that things appear to be (slowly) moving in the right direction.

But what I’m seeing more and more often is this tendency to “normalize” (read: homogenize) kink in the popular culture. When I see instances of it, the tone often feels like a clumsy sort of kink sales roadshow; frequently it’s discussed in terms or ways that are “lighter” or interspersed with (or drowned in) nervous humor. Perhaps this is an effort to make the “lifestyle” less threatening to people out in the vanilla world? Or maybe it’s just that these kink normalizers simply want to help destigmatize kink? If so, their motives are laudable. However, an effort to destigmatize kink that results in a watering down of the things that make kink distinctive is ultimately (IMHO) self-defeating. Maybe I’m weird — okay, not much “maybe” about that — but I don’t want kink to be “normalized”. Life is full of enough guidelines, rules, and laws as it is, so the last thing I want is kink forced into some neat, tidy, sanitized box.

It’s possible (even likely) that I’m not seeing the “big picture” with this normalization of kink, but what I’ve seen thus far is … troubling. If there are any out there who’d like to explain to me why this brand of kink normalization is a great thing, I’d love to hear from you — either in the comments or privately via the contact form above. I’m genuinely baffled, so I’m open to being edumacated on this subject:)

Now, on to the “curious” topic.

I think it’s fairly clear where my own orientation within kink falls. No, Sheri, bat-shit crazy is not my orientation:) Where was I? Oh yes. Curious.

I am very curious about female switches. Always have been. I’m going to digress a little here, but I promise it will eventually steer back on topic. In fiction, I’m not particularly a fan of femdom where the Domme treats the male sub as a disgusting worm, with really heavy humiliation, and where she generally regards him with outright contempt. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that particular kink though. It’s just not for me. YKINMKBTOK.

What does sometimes interest me, if it’s written well, is the depiction of “strong” male submissives in a more loving (though still strict) D/s dynamic with their Domme. Joey W Hill does this particularly well. I’m certainly not normally oriented toward the male sub mindset, but when depicted in that way, I can definitely see the motivation, feel how that dynamic might work for the couple. It’s something I have to be able to do with female subs when I write about them, so I think it’s valuable to be able to get into that headspace with a male sub too. This is where female switches come in.

They are comfortable in both roles, though in my (admittedly limited) interaction with real-life switches, I’ve noticed that they often seem to lean toward one side more than the other. What fascinates me about them is that they don’t see things in a binary way; they don’t feel either dominant or submissive, rather they seem to have a fluid sort of orientation that’s adaptable to the situation at hand. I actually admire them for being that comfortable with themselves that they aren’t threatened by embracing both halves of the D/s dynamic.

Even as I admire them, I’m curious as to how they actually do it. To be blunt, I would not feel comfortable in a male submissive role (I think I’d be constantly trying to take over and do shit my way), so it amazes me when other people can be both dominant and submissive, depending upon the needs or wants of the situation or relationship. I don’t know. I’m not 100% closed off to trying it — I’ll try just about anything once — but it’s definitely not natural for me:)

If there are any switches out there who’d like to chime in with how they’re able to do it, I’d definitely love to hear your take.

Until Day 21.

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 17

By

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

There is one word that makes me see red when it’s used to describe kink: deviance.

This word is a smear, a lazy (and stupid) libel of people who are kinky (or simply dabble in BDSM play). Modern psychology doesn’t help matters when it labels “sadomasochism” as a mental disorder in the DSM—IV. To those who smugly highlight that fact, I would respond by informing them that the DSM used to label homosexuality as a mental disorder too.

Kinky people are not deviants any more than people who like blondes or anal sex are deviants. Human beings are infinitely diverse, because every person is literally unique, with their own singular spin to everything, including their sexuality. Have you ever wondered if two different people perceive the color red exactly the same way? They don’t. Is it close, very close? Yes, of course. But the point here is that sexuality, something orders of magnitude more complicated than the perception of a single spectrum of visible light, is unique to every person. A group of us happen to be labeled as “kinky”, because we are a distinct minority in raw numbers as opposed to those of a “vanilla” sexuality. Does that make us any more ‘deviant’ than those people who enjoy anal sex (another distinct group of us that can be classified and/or labeled)? How many ghettos do we want to conjure up for sexual variance in the human animal? It quickly gets into the realm of the absurd.

Kink is a variation. Yes, there are some who practice kink who are mentally unstable, even dangerous, but the fact is that any group of people, including those of vanilla persuasion, will have a certain percentage of dingbats. There is zero proof, none, that kinky people have a higher incidence of mental illness than the larger vanilla community as a whole. Oh wait! :::headslap::: There is 100% mental illness in the kinky population, right? The DSM says it’s so, therefore it must be true, yes? <end rant>

Kinky people are just like everyone else in all other areas of their lives. We are NO different. If you meet one of us, keep an open mind, and give us a chance:) We aren’t running wild through the streets swinging whips and slapping collars on any hapless female who crosses our paths. We aren’t child molesters, nor rapists, nor criminals. We are just people; a few of us are bad, but most of us are good …  just like any other group of people.

Until Day 18.

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 16

By

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Oh boy, this is going to be hard. No guts, no glory …

The answer to this (like many aspects of a person’s personality, I suppose) has significantly changed over time. As a young, budding perv the overwhelming feeling I dealt with day in and day out was shame.

I just knew I was different. To a teenager, different = damaged = freak = worthless. When I was young and, really up until a few years ago (I’m in my mid thirties now, if anyone wonders), I spent most of my time just burying who I was. Burying it deep. Is that the kink version of  “in the closet”? I suppose it could be somewhat analogous to that. I think it’s simpler though — it was a complete and utter denial of a vital aspect of my personality, and what made me uniquely me.

For those of us who are kinky, just admitting what we are/like/want is difficult enough; I suspect there are many of us who never even quite get to that point. For me, it was worse … because I was (am) a sadist.

Note to those of you who may be freaking the fuck out at that admission (hopefully there aren’t any, but just in case), please read through my earlier entries on this blog in the 30 Days of Kink. Those entries should clarify for you what I mean by “sadist”. Hint: it definitely doesn’t mean I’m a serial killer. Mmkay).

Believe me when I tell you, it was a long, harrowing road to get from here to there. How would you like it as a young kid to wonder:

– If you were irretrievably broken?

– If somehow people might be frightened of you?

– If you were simply nature’s aberration?

– Why modern psychology’s idiotic definitions (don’t get me fucking started on that subject, dear Lord) essentially labeled you as someone that yes, was broken, was a simple biological aberration?

Yeah, heavy, heavy shit. When you’re young, and dumb, and have zero perspective, everything seems Earth-shattering, immediate, profound. Your problems seem so unique, as if nobody on Earth has ever had to deal with what you’re struggling with.

Then you grow up and realize you are but a tiny, tiny speck of nothing in an unimaginably immense universe of everything — and all of this, and I do mean all of this, has happened before. Over and over and over again.

For some people, that’s a terrifying realization, but for me it was freeing. My problems weren’t insurmountable. Hell, my “problems”, weren’t even problems — they were just me.

So, there’s the self-doubt out of the way. Now comes the isolation. Yes, in this interconnected world isolation (at least in the modern west) should slowly become less of an issue. We hope. For those of us old enough to remember life before the connectedness of the Intertubes though, isolation was a huge concern. There just are only so many pervs to go around. Depending on the research (and the researchers’ particular definitions) I’ve seen online, the percentage of people who practice some form of BDSM are anywhere from 1-25% of the general population. Now, this may be self-serving, or simply wishful thinking on my part, but I suspect the actual number is closer to the upper end of that range.

Somebody bought those metric shit-tons of bodice rippers in the 70s-80s.

Somebody bought all those copies of 50 (yes, I know, I know — the damaged hero trope was what really roped in — heh — the 50 readers. I still ain’t buyin’ that rationalization).

Somebody watches (and pays for) all that internet BDSM porn.

Okay, I’ll get to my point. Though maybe 15-20% (my estimate) are pervs of some stripe, that still leaves us as islands in a sea of vanilla. Worse, the BDSM umbrella is so broad that the spectrum underneath it from A to Z  is incredibly diverse. How many of that 15-20% are like me with a penchant for both pain/impact play AND total power exchange? 1% of that 15-20%? Maybe not even that — but you see what I’m getting at here.

Isolation is still a serious hindrance to pervs the world over. The internet is a lifesaver for us, as even if we can’t connect physically, we can communicate with like-minded souls.

The last one I’ll mention is perhaps the most vexing (and sometimes painful) one of all. The feeling of  “otherness” in relation to your fellow man. The society we live in is oriented around the vanilla, and for good reason — vanilla is what most of us are, and it works, generally. But pervs always feel as if we are on the outside looking in, both on a societal level and a personal one.

How many of us can speak freely about who we are at the workplace? At home? Or how about in the unassailable redoubt of our own minds? Vanilla people by definition won’t understand, simply because it’s beyond their human experience. Okay, that’s not fair — some do. But to most it’s a baffling mystery at best, disgusting perversion at worst. I’m not worried about those people. What I think pervs struggle the most with is having to keep that part of them from those that are closest to them. It’s akin to walking around with a suit of armor or a mask on your entire life — one you take with you to work, to that Thanksgiving dinner with your family, to your fucking doctor’s office. It never, ever comes off, and it gets to a point that you forget how to take it off. How to be that fully formed person you are. Perhaps that shielding of oneself becomes a permanent part of you.

It did with me. I’m trying to remedy that, but it’s a struggle — and I suspect it always will be. Being able to talk to you helps. It helps a lot. Even if only one person ever reads this, and gains a modicum of perspective, a glimmer of hope, a sense that they can change and start being who they really are … well then all this will have been worth it. Until Day 17.

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 11

By

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

This is much too broad a topic to write about here in a blog post, so I will address one aspect of  “kink ethics” that has been bothering me of late: the soft tyranny of Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC). Uh oh,  now I’ve stepped in it. I’m off the reservation. There, got my mixed metaphors out of the way:)

SSC as a concept is a great thing, but there is a problem with it. It’s morphed from something that was formerly a rallying cry, a call for rational, clear thinking to a thing resembling a cudgel to be used to keep the pervy riff raff in line.

Everybody wants everyone to be safe; I think that should go without saying for 99% of us. However, some people who practice BDSM don’t want to be “safe”. I’ll use extreme breathplay as an example. Some normal, awesome people enjoy it. I don’t, but you sure as hell won’t hear me tell someone else that their kink doesn’t fall within the lines (read: prison bars) of SSC, and thus is wrong. This is where SSC becomes kink shaming – which drives me bat poop crazy.

SSC is one way to keep people safe, a set of guidelines perhaps. But it’s not the be all and end all of kink (yes, I realize nobody is saying it is – I loathe strawmen). SSC should absolutely NOT be a way for fellow pervs to deem other pervs beyond the pale.

So why am I writing about this? For those of you who’ve been following along with me, you know I am not a pro Dom. I don’t do clubs. I don’t scene. I am a relationship Dom (mostly). Is that even a term? Doesn’t matter. Why does SSC get under my skin so much? Because I am also a writer of BDSM erotica (and eventually erotic romance).

I am not here to call anybody out…but I have seen some things that disturb me vis-à-vis SSC and BDSM fiction.

I’m going to be blunt here. Fiction is fiction – it is not kink prosletyzing.

If someone wants to write about unsupervised body suspension, mummification, extreme breathplay, texting while driving, whatever it is that causes the SSC acolytes to fall to the ground in grand mal seizures, then they should be able to do so. Fiction is not real life – it’s shit the author made up. That’s it.

An author wants to tell a story – something that makes the reader feel. A writer wants to craft something that connects with the reader as a human being. You don’t tell a story by hitting all your marks in SSC dogma. If you try that then you end up writing a how-to manual. How-to manuals are great for what they are. But they aren’t the same thing as a story manufactured out of whole cloth. When I see someone tear down an author’s work because something occurs in their story that doesn’t conform to SSC, I scratch my head.

Do we berate someone like thriller writer Chelsea Cain? She depicts absolutely ghastly things in her books. But they’re great books, great fiction. Her books are not a how-to for serial killers, or profilers, or cops. They’re fiction; shit she made up. Do we wag our finger at her for depicting something that violates all laws, morals, and basic human decency? No, we see her books for what they are:  great, gripping yarns. The end.

(BTW – if you haven’t checked out Chelsea’s Gretchen Lowell series, you must do so. Like yesterday. Incredible characters, incredible voice. You will not regret it. Sorry, I can’t help it – I am a Chelsea Cain fan.)

But, in BDSM fiction we are seeing just that. It’s happening by inches, but it’s as relentless and unstoppable as the grind of a glacier. BDSM is being normalized, mainstreamed. Is it due to 50 Shades of Grey? I don’t know. I suppose it could be part of it. I think it’s actually more of a function of the commercial success of erotic romance in general.

What particular sub-genre of erotic romance sells the most books?

Paranormal? Maybe in 2010.

Menage? Nope.

Yes, you guessed it – it’s BDSM. I think it’s a GREAT thing. I really do. But, I wonder if the attention currently focused on BDSM is going to turn it into something many of us no longer recognize? Only time will tell.

I’ve seen other writers struggle with their erotica being lumped in with erotic romance, and suffering the ire of erotic romance readers because the story doesn’t include an HEA or strays into areas (such as non-con themes) deemed to be too dark. It’s not fair, but it’s happening.

I’m rambling here, so I am going to wrap this up. I guess what I am getting at here is that the very thing that differentiates kinky people from others – the “forbidden” nature of our orientations – is undergoing some change. How is it possible that BDSM is being both normalized/regulated (SSC dogma) and sanitized (the mainstreaming of BDSM in fiction and the popular consciousness)? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

What does this mean? My guess is that it means one of two things: either the spotlight will eventually move on to something else (and us sickos can get back to the business of being regular sickos), or it doesn’t move on – and it really becomes a new world for kink. Things might get even more interesting!

This post morphed into a mini-rant about a single topic, so maybe I will just call this Day 11 part I  🙂

Until next time.

Trent

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,251 other subscribers

Disclosure

Trent Evans is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

Sites Trent Loves

Megan Michaels – Author
Natasha Knight – Author
Sadey Quinn – Author
Anneke Jacob – Author
Joey W. Hill – Author
Annabel Joseph – Author
Maren Smith – Author
1950s Wife
Behind The Chintz Curtain
Jolynn Raymond – Author
Sue Lyndon – Author
Michael Manning – Artist