First of all, I want to thank the lovely ladies over at Spanking Romance Reviews for letting a dude get a seat at the table for this one. I hope I don’t make you regret it:)
This week’s topic is Submission and what it means to me.
First, it’s best to define for myself what submission means. I’ve never actually thought about what this means to me, so this will be a learning experience for me too!
Submission, at its core, is the voluntary relinquishing of control over one’s body, mind or spirit — or all of the above. At first blush I suppose that looks rather … scary. But when you think about it some more it ceases to be scary and instead becomes something very powerful, even beautiful. The reason for this is because it’s voluntary — it’s consensual. It’s something done to enhance the sexual pleasure of both the dominant and the submissive.
I — obviously — come at this subject from a Dominant male’s perspective so in some ways I’m a little like the kid pressing his nose up against the window, fogging up the glass, trying to get a glimpse inside the room where all the cool kids hang out. But, since dominance and submission are two sides of the same coin, I think I can speak (relatively) intelligently on the subject;) I hope so anyway.
D/s is essentially a dynamic of power and the unequal exchange thereof, and to me submission is the cornerstone of the endeavor. The submission itself is that exchange of the submissive’s power over self, given to the Dominant to do with what he wills. Just that aspect of it alone is mind-blowing — having that very real, yet equally symbolic, control over another human being. Of course, like so much in life there is a duality to this: the very same exhilaration from the Dominant’s perspective can of course be a dangerous thing, in the hands of an irresponsible, immoral, or just plain stupid Dominant. So, in a sense, this awareness of the danger, of how easily that power can be abused, is part of the excitement of the D/s dynamic.
The ability of a woman to submit is a fundamentally brave act. To be blunt — I don’t know how the hell you subs do it! I’m just really glad that you do:) This is one of the many reasons why I admire submissives. They are courageous. To voluntarily make yourself subject to another is just … it’s stunning to me. I know it’s a cliche to say this, but that submission is a gift. It’s a statement saying: “I trust you not to abuse this power I’ve given you. I adore you, I care for you, I love you enough, to give you this, to make myself vulnerable to you.”
How different is this, really — when you strip everything away — from what a vanilla relationship is? At some point someone has to make themselves vulnerable, to open themselves to potentially being hurt, wronged, even betrayed. Yet, the urge to connect, to be intimate, gives us the courage to take that leap — because the rewards of intimacy can be so sweet, so profound. It’s worth the risk.
One of the things that appeals most to me about submission is the inherent vulnerability in it. I think it’s almost a proxy for the vulnerability often seen in femininity, that same vulnerability that speaks to a good man. The Dominant man feeds off that vulnerability; it fuels both his sexual excitement AND his urge to protect her. In the honest Dom (and in my case, a Dom with a sadistic streak) that vulnerability can fuel his need to exercise, to emphasize, his power over his submissive. Exerting your power over her is itself exciting, in its own way as exciting as the sexual acts themselves, because it involves that most important of sexual organs — the brain. Broken down even further, it’s almost as if the vulnerability of the submissive fires that primal, animalistic urge that exists deep down in the inherited DNA of humans, back to that duality of men, who eternally struggle with the urges both to conquer and protect.
I’ll circle back now, before I blather on any further. I can see everyone’s eyes are glazed over:/
Submission is trust. Trust is the foundation of the D/s dynamic and relationship. Just as pleasure cannot exist without pain, Dominance cannot be exercised (or enjoyed) without submission. Just as women make the world go round, submissives provide the essential, indispensable ingredient which makes D/s possible. Without it the world would be a gray, lonely place for men like me;)
Thank you for reading, and I hope you take the time to read the other posts in this week’s round table discussion. You can read the other posts here: http://spankingromance.com/?p=
Until next time,
Trent
Great, thoughtful piece, Trent – I’m very glad that you have a seat at the table.
It’s so fascinating to read your and others’ takes on this question and to see common threads interweave them. The most striking of these I think is the idea of trust, whatever the specifics of a relationship, and it was very affecting to have this intimate and familiar thought sensitively articulated from the perspective of a dominant man.
So many of your points resonated with me I could write another essay listing them all. I’ll save you that and just say that the way you put this was beautiful: “the urge to connect, to be intimate, gives us the courage to take that leap — because the rewards of intimacy can be so sweet, so profound.”
Thank you for the warm welcome, Penelope. You are too kind. I’m glad that you keyed in on that urge to connect and be intimate as worth the risk of being hurt. I truly believe it:)
Submission is a gift and I learned today the flip side that Dominance is also a gift. Trust is so critical, I agree – even trust that each partner will deliver on his/her role. You all are tickling my brain today with these posts…
So glad you joined the round table.
Thank YOU for the invite, Natasha. I’m glad I was able to contribute to the discussion!
Great post, Trent.
This bit, in particular, pointed to the essence of the D/s thing, to me:
“The Dominant man feeds off that vulnerability; it fuels both his sexual excitement AND his urge to protect her.”
Personally, I think this all ties in to a backlash against feminism, too, at least in part: why would a woman who is strong and capable — maybe more than some men, even — in her normal daily life, be craving the release (broadest meaning) of allowing herself to be vulnerable and utterly NOT in control of anything, to NOT be “masculinely” (new word!) taking care of business and in charge of … so many things? Just for an orgasm? I don’t THINK so. There are vibrators for that.
The primal urge to be protected by the male of the species, that’s exactly it. Protected, but also free of responsibility, and in return, awareness of strong desires to “serve.” (Serve meaning many things to different people in this, of course.) What an amazing thing it is.
We’ve mutated (“evolved”) into some rather unnatural roles, IMHO, and on some innate level, perhaps we know it. That knowing creates conflict, at least in me. Our genes may know it. Some imprinting, something. Very powerful. If people have experienced this firsthand, they know what I’m talking about. So hard to really describe.
Eh, I could, seriously, babble on about this nature/feminism/submission angle of D/s for days, I really could. (Caveat: YMMV, anyone reading these words, this is just MY take, so don’t jump Trent if you are an ardent feminist and my words annoy you, OK?)
Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
If we’re looking at the primal and beautiful balance of masculinity and femininity and what happened to make things go askew, I would say it was the loss of the divine feminine being honored in our culture/religion. When that disappeared or was chased underground, and Mary Magdalene became a whore, the power balance became warped, sex became evil and women as a gender suffered. Feminism tried to address it, but in doing so, still forgot that the power is in the divine FEMININE, not acting like men to have equality.
oh crap– look where I’ve wandered off to. I could go on and on about this… sorry.
“Feminism tried to address it, but in doing so, still forgot that the power is in the divine FEMININE, not acting like men to have equality.”
There is tremendous wisdom packed into that single sentence, Renee. Well said!
Reconciling modern feminism’s ideals with the realities of kink is an incredibly complex (and interesting) topic. I’d love to talk about it too, as I could go on and on about it as well:)
Sounds like you, Sheri and I could all grab a cup of joe and sit down for round table about feminism and D/s…
Sheri, I’m so relieved that it came across in that way. It’s a subject fraught with the danger of being misconstrued, if articulated in a clumsy manner. I’m not saying I wasn’t clumsy, but I’m glad the main meaning I was driving at seemed to come through.
The seemingly contradictory urge that feminine vulnerability evokes is a real thing, at least . It makes me want to conquer and protect all at once. It makes no sense, really, but then sometimes elemental human emotions and drives sometimes defy attempts to quantify within the confines of logic or rationality. They just are.
I think this whole confusing jumble of emotions still keys into two basic truths that I believe in: women want to be wanted, and men need to be needed. I don’t think Dominance and submission invalidates those truths at all, rather they are merely a different spin on them. I shut up before I bore everyone:0
I too could go on at serious length on this subject. It’s utterly fascinating to me.
Yay, a dude at the table!
I completely agree that a submissive female actual has to be a pretty strong woman to begin with. To give yourself over and let yourself be vulnerable is a powerful thing and I think when someone first starts looking at D/s relationships it’s easy to miss that.
Thanks for the insight from the dominant perspective!
Thanks, Casey. I really am actually in awe of it, how a woman can be brave enough to take that leap. To me, what I do just seems … easier? I suppose that’s the reason I’m a Dom:)
I’ve visited this post about four times now and at first I couldn’t understand why I had to keep coming back. It’s the way you talk about vulnerability, I think. Since I’m not a natural submissive in any other aspect of my life, (more like a raging control freak) it’s probably the vulnerability aspect that scares me most. And yet, also the aspect that excites me most too.
Nice insight Trent.
Thanks, Tara. I find vulnerability is such a viscerally appealing thing. If she’s allowing herself to be vulnerable, then she feels safe with you, she trusts you, she wants to share those parts of her she may hide from others. In other words that vulnerability itself is the gateway to intimacy. What’s better than that?
One thing I’ve often asked myself: why is the expression of that vulnerability such a huge turn-on for me? Is it because she trusts me? Is it because she’s taking that risk in actually being vulnerable? I wish I knew.
I suppose trying to dig too deeply, to get too granular, can get me into a paradoxical, mind-bending sort of self-examination. I’ll spare everybody that though:)
I was delighted that Natasha had invited another Male to join this weeks Round Table and I was not the only man listed. *smile*
I totally agree in your take on “Trust” and agree that as a Dominant, the world would certainly look different if it weren’t for a loving, caring, sensual submissive to grace our lives.
I would go on to say to all those spirited and faithful submissives that quantify the real women’s rights in their faith and trust to choose to embrace this life-style, “thank You !” – I am Dominantly embraced in your presence and particularly in my wonderful partners presence personally…
Good to see you here, Joseph. Yes, trust really is the bedrock of everything. We build everything else from that solid foundation. It’s as indispensable to D/s as breathing is to life.
First, I’d like to say that I very much enjoyed seeing a male pov of submission here. Great job, Trent.
On average most dominants do not focus on what submission really means to them and vis-versa. Most sub’s give little thought to what dominance means to them personally. I’m not talking about the expectations of one to the other here. I’m talking about a sub identifying with their own dominant qualities, and a dom identifying with their own submissive qualities. I really believe we are all born with both of those beautiful qualities inside of us, but one normally out-shines the other.
What makes me say this? My own self identification. I am both dominant and submissive, but not in equal measures, and no, I am not a switch.
My dominant side is usually the prevalent one according to those who know me. I like to take charge and do well with the responsibility. The submissive side of me craves for the dominant man who can take charge of me. Not just physically or sexually, but mentally.
I agree, Trent. The brain is our strongest organ no matter what we use it for.
LA, you make a great point here: that we are not all 100% of anything. Our sexuality exists on a continuum.
In my case, I’d say I’m 99% Dom. But that 1% is what I think helps me empathize with the submissive — and without empathy, you can’t know what’s going to work for her.
While the idea of me submitting myself just doesn’t square, I can definitely get into the submissive’s headspace, imagine what it would be like, what thoughts might flash through my mind.
Similarly, I suspect many submissives have at least an idea of what it must be like to exercise control over another, to be Dominant. Perhaps having that knowledge, that awareness, helps them understand their own desires more clearly — and hopefully — be more at peace with them.
So happy to have a dude at the table and your post makes me feel beautiful as a submissive. Thank you for honoring submission.
Thanks, Renee. Submission IS beautiful — both in the sexually arousing aspect of it, and in the emotional/psychological/spiritual aspect of it.
I am so grateful to have read your perspective about this phenomena that we all experience to varied degrees. I really appreciated having the dominant viewpoint of submission. It only brought home to me all the more, like Natasha said, what a gift it is to receive my husband’s dominance & his own trust in me. Without one you cannot have the other.
Exactly, Corinne. Back to that duality again: without pain there is no pleasure; without sorrow there is no joy; without submission, there is no dominance.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this post, Trent; it’s always fascinating to me to see how others perceive the concepts of Dominance and submission.
I must say I was intrigued by the following comment …
“The ability of a woman to submit is a fundamentally brave act. To be blunt — I don’t know how the hell you subs do it!”
… because you see, for me, it’s the opposite. I don’t know how you Dominants do it! You’re carrying an awful lot of responsibility on your shoulders from the moment we choose to place our trust in you. And that’s no small thing. Not by a long shot.
(Love your new blog design, by the way!)
So very interesting to hear your take on this. I’d never thought about Dominance in that sense before. To me, that responsibility is just part of the landscape, a given. But with the way you’ve put it, you’ve highlighted its importance to the dynamic as a whole. It feels good to hear this. Thank you!
(Glad you like the new blog layout. It’s all Sheri — she’s AWESOME!)
very good to hear the dominant side of this conversation. Thanks, Trent. I do appreciate the notion of the balance of both sides.
Thanks for reading, Joelle!
Great post, Trent!
That was beautiful and sexy!
I agree so whole heartedly about the trust and vulnerability.
And I really appreciate your honesty about the primal, sexual part of it.
Very well done!
I was so glad to read a male perspective this time!
Thank you, Katherine. I think recognizing and emphasizing the sexual aspect of things is important. Trust, vulnerability, and intimacy are HUGE turn-ons, and when expressed in the context of D/s they’re soo much hotter.
One of the best parts about kink is the way it allows us to let those primal (and too often suppressed) parts of us to come out and play. We are after all sexual animals, and kink helps us celebrate that truth, rather than be fearful of it.
Wahoo….I get to be one of the cool kids?!?! How exciting!!
It’s fabulous to hear your thoughts on this – from a different perspective. Thank you for sharing. It’s brave to submit, but it’s brave to take on the responsibility of dominating as well. I’m so glad there are people who want and need both sides of that coin.
hugs,
fiona
Oh Fiona, I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m so very glad that we’ve got counterparts to our natures. An equal (or unequal, as it were:) and opposite nature. Complementary, and at the same time, those two opposing natures when brought together, forms a bond greater than the sum of its part.
Ah… A man’s perspective is nice to have. Don’t you think that now a days with womens equality (whatever that means) that the M/F roles are a bit confused. So that for a Dom to have a woman become vulnerable and stimulate that protective instinct.
If you read my post there is a theory on animal instinct and why some of us crave tradtioanl M/F roles.
Its a throwback to the traditional roles, dating all the way to caveman times. “Me man, strong and powerful..I will protect and provide for you my woman; weak, soft vulnerable.” Then he grabs her by the hair (don’t all women secretly love that image?) and drags her back to his cave pounding his chest and grunting…. UG
We can’t fight our nature is what I’m saying, even if its just in the bedroom. Some of us have just figured that out already.
It is great to see another male perspective as well as Joseph’s on this. I agree that submission is indeed trust for me and without that it would very very difficult to submit. It is a wonderful almost explainable feeling to be vulnerable to the one you love and trust. It’s almost as though you are giving your everything and more. To see the pleasure and excitement of the Dominant increases the pleasure further.
Thank you,
Gemini
Thank you, Gemini. I think that aspect sometimes gets short shrift in BDSM fiction — that her submission is physically (sexually) arousing to him. And submissive women love that it excites him — which excites her further. A virtuous circle … or a dirty one?
Same difference, I suppose:)