Trent Evans Letters

  • Editing Services
  • Trent’s Books
  • Contact Trent
  • New Release Alerts Sign-up
  • About
You are here: Home / Archives for sexual empowerment

30 Days of Kink – Day 17

December 1, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

There is one word that makes me see red when it’s used to describe kink: deviance.

This word is a smear, a lazy (and stupid) libel of people who are kinky (or simply dabble in BDSM play). Modern psychology doesn’t help matters when it labels “sadomasochism” as a mental disorder in the DSM—IV. To those who smugly highlight that fact, I would respond by informing them that the DSM used to label homosexuality as a mental disorder too.

Kinky people are not deviants any more than people who like blondes or anal sex are deviants. Human beings are infinitely diverse, because every person is literally unique, with their own singular spin to everything, including their sexuality. Have you ever wondered if two different people perceive the color red exactly the same way? They don’t. Is it close, very close? Yes, of course. But the point here is that sexuality, something orders of magnitude more complicated than the perception of a single spectrum of visible light, is unique to every person. A group of us happen to be labeled as “kinky”, because we are a distinct minority in raw numbers as opposed to those of a “vanilla” sexuality. Does that make us any more ‘deviant’ than those people who enjoy anal sex (another distinct group of us that can be classified and/or labeled)? How many ghettos do we want to conjure up for sexual variance in the human animal? It quickly gets into the realm of the absurd.

Kink is a variation. Yes, there are some who practice kink who are mentally unstable, even dangerous, but the fact is that any group of people, including those of vanilla persuasion, will have a certain percentage of dingbats. There is zero proof, none, that kinky people have a higher incidence of mental illness than the larger vanilla community as a whole. Oh wait! :::headslap::: There is 100% mental illness in the kinky population, right? The DSM says it’s so, therefore it must be true, yes? <end rant>

Kinky people are just like everyone else in all other areas of their lives. We are NO different. If you meet one of us, keep an open mind, and give us a chance:) We aren’t running wild through the streets swinging whips and slapping collars on any hapless female who crosses our paths. We aren’t child molesters, nor rapists, nor criminals. We are just people; a few of us are bad, but most of us are good …  just like any other group of people.

Until Day 18.

Trent

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, BDSM psychology, deviance, distinct group, distinct minority, dsm iv, health, kink, kink acceptance, kink shaming, libel, love, maturing, mental-health, modern psychology, prejudice, psychology, science, sex positive, sexual development, sexual empowerment, sexual variations, shame, society, spectrum of visible light

30 Days of Kink – Day 16

October 29, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Oh boy, this is going to be hard. No guts, no glory …

The answer to this (like many aspects of a person’s personality, I suppose) has significantly changed over time. As a young, budding perv the overwhelming feeling I dealt with day in and day out was shame.

I just knew I was different. To a teenager, different = damaged = freak = worthless. When I was young and, really up until a few years ago (I’m in my mid thirties now, if anyone wonders), I spent most of my time just burying who I was. Burying it deep. Is that the kink version of  “in the closet”? I suppose it could be somewhat analogous to that. I think it’s simpler though — it was a complete and utter denial of a vital aspect of my personality, and what made me uniquely me.

For those of us who are kinky, just admitting what we are/like/want is difficult enough; I suspect there are many of us who never even quite get to that point. For me, it was worse … because I was (am) a sadist.

Note to those of you who may be freaking the fuck out at that admission (hopefully there aren’t any, but just in case), please read through my earlier entries on this blog in the 30 Days of Kink. Those entries should clarify for you what I mean by “sadist”. Hint: it definitely doesn’t mean I’m a serial killer. Mmkay).

Believe me when I tell you, it was a long, harrowing road to get from here to there. How would you like it as a young kid to wonder:

– If you were irretrievably broken?

– If somehow people might be frightened of you?

– If you were simply nature’s aberration?

– Why modern psychology’s idiotic definitions (don’t get me fucking started on that subject, dear Lord) essentially labeled you as someone that yes, was broken, was a simple biological aberration?

Yeah, heavy, heavy shit. When you’re young, and dumb, and have zero perspective, everything seems Earth-shattering, immediate, profound. Your problems seem so unique, as if nobody on Earth has ever had to deal with what you’re struggling with.

Then you grow up and realize you are but a tiny, tiny speck of nothing in an unimaginably immense universe of everything — and all of this, and I do mean all of this, has happened before. Over and over and over again.

For some people, that’s a terrifying realization, but for me it was freeing. My problems weren’t insurmountable. Hell, my “problems”, weren’t even problems — they were just me.

So, there’s the self-doubt out of the way. Now comes the isolation. Yes, in this interconnected world isolation (at least in the modern west) should slowly become less of an issue. We hope. For those of us old enough to remember life before the connectedness of the Intertubes though, isolation was a huge concern. There just are only so many pervs to go around. Depending on the research (and the researchers’ particular definitions) I’ve seen online, the percentage of people who practice some form of BDSM are anywhere from 1-25% of the general population. Now, this may be self-serving, or simply wishful thinking on my part, but I suspect the actual number is closer to the upper end of that range.

Somebody bought those metric shit-tons of bodice rippers in the 70s-80s.

Somebody bought all those copies of 50 (yes, I know, I know — the damaged hero trope was what really roped in — heh — the 50 readers. I still ain’t buyin’ that rationalization).

Somebody watches (and pays for) all that internet BDSM porn.

Okay, I’ll get to my point. Though maybe 15-20% (my estimate) are pervs of some stripe, that still leaves us as islands in a sea of vanilla. Worse, the BDSM umbrella is so broad that the spectrum underneath it from A to Z  is incredibly diverse. How many of that 15-20% are like me with a penchant for both pain/impact play AND total power exchange? 1% of that 15-20%? Maybe not even that — but you see what I’m getting at here.

Isolation is still a serious hindrance to pervs the world over. The internet is a lifesaver for us, as even if we can’t connect physically, we can communicate with like-minded souls.

The last one I’ll mention is perhaps the most vexing (and sometimes painful) one of all. The feeling of  “otherness” in relation to your fellow man. The society we live in is oriented around the vanilla, and for good reason — vanilla is what most of us are, and it works, generally. But pervs always feel as if we are on the outside looking in, both on a societal level and a personal one.

How many of us can speak freely about who we are at the workplace? At home? Or how about in the unassailable redoubt of our own minds? Vanilla people by definition won’t understand, simply because it’s beyond their human experience. Okay, that’s not fair — some do. But to most it’s a baffling mystery at best, disgusting perversion at worst. I’m not worried about those people. What I think pervs struggle the most with is having to keep that part of them from those that are closest to them. It’s akin to walking around with a suit of armor or a mask on your entire life — one you take with you to work, to that Thanksgiving dinner with your family, to your fucking doctor’s office. It never, ever comes off, and it gets to a point that you forget how to take it off. How to be that fully formed person you are. Perhaps that shielding of oneself becomes a permanent part of you.

It did with me. I’m trying to remedy that, but it’s a struggle — and I suspect it always will be. Being able to talk to you helps. It helps a lot. Even if only one person ever reads this, and gains a modicum of perspective, a glimmer of hope, a sense that they can change and start being who they really are … well then all this will have been worth it. Until Day 17.

Trent

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, BDSM psychology, confession, growing up, isolation, kink, kink acceptance, kink shaming, literature, maturing, personal pain, science, sex positive, sexual development, sexual empowerment, shame, society

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,329 other subscribers

Disclosure

Trent Evans is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

Sites Trent Loves

Megan Michaels – Author
Natasha Knight – Author
Sadey Quinn – Author
Anneke Jacob – Author
Joey W. Hill – Author
Annabel Joseph – Author
Maren Smith – Author
1950s Wife
Behind The Chintz Curtain
Jolynn Raymond – Author
Sue Lyndon – Author
Michael Manning – Artist

[footer_backtotop]

Copyright © 2023 · Trent Evans · All Rights Reserved. Awesome design by Barking Media.