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30 Days of Kink — Day 20

August 22, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I’d like to talk about two different topics here — one I don’t understand, and one I’m curious about.

“Stop doing kink that way! You’re going to ruin everything!”

I’m probably going to step on some toes here, but one of the things I don’t understand with regard to kink is why a significant cohort of kink practitioners/proponents feel a need to lecture or instruct others on what the “proper” form of kink expression is.  Note that I’m not referring to people who talk about safety — it should go without saying that advocating safety is a good thing.

No, what I’m getting at is this idea that’s put forth that certain types of kink are beyond the pale, or that if anyone decides to engage in activity outside the protective confines of SSC or RACK then they have somehow gone off the reservation. Often it’s quite subtle, but I’m seeing it more and more online — and it baffles me. One of the best, most freeing aspects of kink is the basically subversive nature of it; in many ways, kink is a rebellion against the confines of vanilla sexuality or mores. I’m guessing that that very nature of kink is the source of at least some of its appeal.

There is an ongoing movement afoot to get kink entirely removed as a psychological disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM). The most recent iteration, DSM-V, while not removing paraphilias as a disorder per se, has demoted the status of paraphilias from a full-blown disorder by applying a nebulous if/then equivocation to potential diagnosis: if the paraphilia causes distress then it is a disorder, otherwise, go about your perverted ways, you sickos!

I think this particular type of reevaluation is a good thing indeed, despite the gray areas that remain in APA treatment of kink. Those who’ve followed along with me know that I usually hesitate to deem the experiences of the LGBT community as analogous to those of the kink community (it’s difficult to deem anything as a clear analog to kink), but it is worth noting that the evolution of the treatment of the two respective communities by modern psychology seems to be following a somewhat similar trajectory. The bottom line, to me, is that things appear to be (slowly) moving in the right direction.

But what I’m seeing more and more often is this tendency to “normalize” (read: homogenize) kink in the popular culture. When I see instances of it, the tone often feels like a clumsy sort of kink sales roadshow; frequently it’s discussed in terms or ways that are “lighter” or interspersed with (or drowned in) nervous humor. Perhaps this is an effort to make the “lifestyle” less threatening to people out in the vanilla world? Or maybe it’s just that these kink normalizers simply want to help destigmatize kink? If so, their motives are laudable. However, an effort to destigmatize kink that results in a watering down of the things that make kink distinctive is ultimately (IMHO) self-defeating. Maybe I’m weird — okay, not much “maybe” about that — but I don’t want kink to be “normalized”. Life is full of enough guidelines, rules, and laws as it is, so the last thing I want is kink forced into some neat, tidy, sanitized box.

It’s possible (even likely) that I’m not seeing the “big picture” with this normalization of kink, but what I’ve seen thus far is … troubling. If there are any out there who’d like to explain to me why this brand of kink normalization is a great thing, I’d love to hear from you — either in the comments or privately via the contact form above. I’m genuinely baffled, so I’m open to being edumacated on this subject:)

Now, on to the “curious” topic.

I think it’s fairly clear where my own orientation within kink falls. No, Sheri, bat-shit crazy is not my orientation:) Where was I? Oh yes. Curious.

I am very curious about female switches. Always have been. I’m going to digress a little here, but I promise it will eventually steer back on topic. In fiction, I’m not particularly a fan of femdom where the Domme treats the male sub as a disgusting worm, with really heavy humiliation, and where she generally regards him with outright contempt. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that particular kink though. It’s just not for me. YKINMKBTOK.

What does sometimes interest me, if it’s written well, is the depiction of “strong” male submissives in a more loving (though still strict) D/s dynamic with their Domme. Joey W Hill does this particularly well. I’m certainly not normally oriented toward the male sub mindset, but when depicted in that way, I can definitely see the motivation, feel how that dynamic might work for the couple. It’s something I have to be able to do with female subs when I write about them, so I think it’s valuable to be able to get into that headspace with a male sub too. This is where female switches come in.

They are comfortable in both roles, though in my (admittedly limited) interaction with real-life switches, I’ve noticed that they often seem to lean toward one side more than the other. What fascinates me about them is that they don’t see things in a binary way; they don’t feel either dominant or submissive, rather they seem to have a fluid sort of orientation that’s adaptable to the situation at hand. I actually admire them for being that comfortable with themselves that they aren’t threatened by embracing both halves of the D/s dynamic.

Even as I admire them, I’m curious as to how they actually do it. To be blunt, I would not feel comfortable in a male submissive role (I think I’d be constantly trying to take over and do shit my way), so it amazes me when other people can be both dominant and submissive, depending upon the needs or wants of the situation or relationship. I don’t know. I’m not 100% closed off to trying it — I’ll try just about anything once — but it’s definitely not natural for me:)

If there are any switches out there who’d like to chime in with how they’re able to do it, I’d definitely love to hear your take.

Until Day 21.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, APA, baffled Trent, BDSM psychology, BDSM safety, D/s, destigmatizing kink, DSM-V, female submission, female switches, health, kink normalization, kink shaming, male submission, mental-health, paraphilias, trent's thoughts

30 Days of Kink – Day 14

September 9, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

The disconnect between the fantasy and the reality of BDSM can be slight, or it can be vast. There are so many facets of BDSM that answering this question comprehensively is, really, not possible. So, with that in mind, I will cite an example that is relevant to me.

I think all of us have central themes or persistent imagery that we keep coming back to in our sexual fantasies; it would be human nature to keep doing what “works” 🙂 One of the central fantasy themes for me is the idea of consensual non-consent. Essentially what this means is that a sub or slave gives her Dom or Master an initial blanket consent which from that point onward allows him to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes — whether she wants to at the time or not.

Why does this appeal to me? To be blunt, I think it’s a “safer” way to play with the fantasy of force. It’s extremely difficult for me to say this, but if I’m going to be intellectually honest, I think this is the unadulterated core of the consensual non-consent kink.

For men especially, the idea that forcing someone sexually is culturally, morally, and legally ingrained into us as being wrong—and outside of a consensual non-consent sexual relationship it IS wrong. But fantasy, which (I believe) is just a way for the mind to process and integrate lower, baser urges into our individual moral consciousness, doesn’t stay within those sensible boundaries . . . nor should it.

(I need to reiterate here that just because a man may be turned on by the idea of consensual non-consent, it DOES NOT mean in any way whatsoever that he is turned on by forcible rape. Please note the word ‘consensual’— it makes a world of difference. There, equivocation over.)

Humans evolved in a harsh, unforgiving world, and like the animal kingdom as a whole, humans survived by adapting. It coarsened us, this requirement to follow baser urges and instincts in order to survive. After all, early man likely saw little use for pondering why the sky was blue as he was being chased up a tree by a smilodon. Early man learned to harness, to mold, to conquer, and those instincts, those urges, are still with us today — whether we want to admit it or not.

Thankfully modern society, and the evolution of our own brains have helped us tame the beast inside us all. Well, most of us anyway. But the fantasy of force is a common one and I believe this is one of the reasons why BDSM is as popular as it is.

(As an aside, I believe the core concepts of BDSM have always been popular — witness the corporal punishment and degradation themes commonly found in Victorian-era smut, or going back much farther, crack open Suetonius to get a glimpse at a society quite open about the baser urges of man. Coming back to the modern era, look at the popularity of “bodice rippers” in the 70s-80s. Though many devotees of that particular form of romance fiction would be loathe to admit it, the themes in those works are indeed close cousins to contemporary expressions of BDSM.)

But circling back to the disconnect between fantasy and reality, there are certainly problems with the nuts and bolts of consensual non-consent. Chief among those problems is that it would be tiring. What, you say? Tiring? Well, yes, it would be. Personally, I very much enjoy women, and find them interesting to talk to, live life with, love. I would not be able to sustain the constant formality such a framework demands. In modern society, it would take an incredible amount of effort, and literally rearranging ALL aspects of both the Master’s and slave’s lives. Anneke Jacob tackles these day to day challenges in a truly fascinating way in her masterpiece As She’s Told. In that story, it quickly becomes apparent that no matter how much two people really want full 24/7 TPE, modern society is built in such a way as to make it practically impossible (and if we can take a step back from our kinks, we will see that this is in fact a very good thing.)

While 24/7 TPE consensual non-consent is indeed an incredibly powerful fantasy, the logistics of it just make it something that really couldn’t be done in modern society. In Jacob’s book, the compromise becomes instituting it whenever and wherever possible, but allowing for those times when it’s just not possible. The result is a constant undercurrent of excitement, fear, anticipation and most of all, lust. Such is the stuff fantasy is made of, no?

What is missing though are those small, quiet moments in life. The ones that we’ll remember on our death beds. The feel of her hand in yours as you walk through the chill night air, her brimming eyes as she catches first sight of her newborn child, the comfort of her embrace on a sleepy weekend morning. These are the things of day to day life that are just as important as the fulfillment of our fantasies. So, in effect what I am saying is that I think the reality is that you can have a 24/7 TPE relationship framework but that the actual execution of it would need to be flexible enough to meet the exigencies of our hectic, modern lives.

Again, this is a question that deserves a much longer, more in-depth answer, but since I am approaching a thousand words of flapping my gums, I will just leave it here;)

Until Day 15!

Best,

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 24/7, 30 Days of Kink, Anneke Jacob, As She's Told, base sexual urges, bdsm erotica, BDSM fiction, BDSM society, bodice ripper, consensual non-consent, D/s, Dom Hatred, Dominance and submission, fantasy themes, fantasy vs reality, kink in daily life, life bdsm, modern BDSM, moral consciousness, morality of BDSM, non-con roleplaying, Thoughts on consent, total power exchange, TPE, trent's thoughts, Victorian smut

30 Days of Kink: Day 5

May 8, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? 

Hmm, I kind of accidentally shared my first officially kinky experience in Day 3 and 4. However, there was something that happened long before then that I can relate to you for Day 5. I am a little leery of sharing this, so I will need to self-censor this just a bit – sorry about that!

When I was quite young (19) I was, as many kids are, not fully aware with regard to the subject of my sexuality. It’s ironic that as a young man, I could think of little else, yet my thoughts on the subject were unfortunately marked by the facile shallowness of youth. I like to think I was a little deeper than my friends when it came to the subject, but how can one really know? It wasn’t like I asked my friends if they got off on tying up and spanking their girlfriends!

My girlfriend at the time (truly a sweetheart, who deserved better than me) and I were always playfully wrestling, physically grappling. I know that may seem weird to some, but I know for a fact lots of couples do this, whether they admit to it or not. It was cute, an excuse to have our hands all over each other (and a way for me to subconsicously relish imposing my physical will on her). Anyway, though she was a strong girl, I was far stronger than her, and these little impromptu grapplings would only ever have one end – unless I agreed to only use one arm. In those cases I’d still win, but it would take a lot longer:)

One night we were messing around while getting dressed to go somewhere and we started up again. She was particularly feisty, and I (of course) got into it as well. I had somehow ended up crossing her arms behind her back, my hands wrapped tightly around her upper arms. I remember us just standing there a moment, she struggling against my grip and me simply holding her still. Then I marched her forward and pinned her against the wall, she grunted but it wasn’t because I’d hurt her; I think it may have simply been surprise. Hell, I was surprised myself.

Instead of letting her go though, I just held her there pressed to the wall. Her roommate was getting ready to go out too, and she was in another bedroom not 10 feet away. Somehow that made things better, more…I can’t think of the word. Let’s say interesting. She struggled again and started to say something, but I shushed her letting go of an arm and laying two fingers over her mouth. She stood stock still, shocked I think. I’d never done such a thing before. I stood there a few more moments, pressed up against her, pinning her to the wall. I released her other arm and then moved her hands up the wall, placing them above her head as if she were reaching for the ceiling.

Now, at that point I was shocked too. What the fuck are you doing Trent? Reenacting some scene from Cops? So, dumbass kid that I was, rather than ponder some deeper meaning, I just thought with my cock. I liked this, whatever the fuck this was. So I just went with it. She was wearing jeans and a thin camisole (she hadn’t yet gotten a chance to put her shirt on before we threw down). I planted my palm between her shoulder blades and pressed her hard to the wall. She didn’t resist – not one fucking iota. Unreal.

Then I reached around her hips and pulled her toward me, which left her ass sticking out awkwardly toward me. I unbuttoned her jeans (god I love tight jeans on a woman, but I digress) and yanked them and her panties down to mid thigh. I fondled her ass, squeezing her buttocks, gently pinching the soft flesh of her inner thighs. I loved her ass, what can I say? Then I got another wild idea. I pushed her hips back against the wall with the rest of her, fitting my body closely to hers, grinding myself against her naked ass. Her partial nudity while I was fully clothed was something I liked, but at the time it didn’t really register. Then I reached around and pulled her camisole up, and she did the most shocking thing yet. She helped me. She actually pulled herself away from the wall as much as my pressing hand would allow, to allow me to pull that cami up and over her tits. I don’t know where her bra was; maybe she wasn’t planning on wearing one.

I pressed her up against the wall again, hard. She gasped at the coldness of the rough painted wall on her breasts, but otherwise made not a sound. I  leaned against her, urging her to rise up on her toes, to press herself as hard as she could to that wall, with my implacable strength and weight against her. We just stood that way for several long moments, and it felt as if time had slowed down. I remember looking up at her hands, still flat against the wall, high above her, just where I’d put them. We hadn’t yet spoken a word.

Then I let her go, and she turned to me. As my hands played over her body (pretty much 24/7…) she stared at me. I will never forget how wide and  moist her beautiful brown eyes were as she gazed at me, our faces mere inches apart. I thought for a moment that she might cry, but I think it was something else entirely. She loved it. It had excited her.

Many times as we mature, there are moments in life that we later look back upon as signposts or turning points on our journey to becoming fully formed people. This was one of those times. Was it kinky? I suppose not technically; it was a man physically dominating his woman. A lot of more or less vanilla relationships have elements of this to varying degrees. But what it really served as was as an “Aha!”  moment. She actually likes this! And holy perv discovery Batman, I LOVE this!

Maybe this is technically breaking the “rules” of 30 Days of Kink a bit, but I do think it certainly relates, at least tangentially, to kink (or the kink mindset). Hope you liked reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Until Day 6…

Best,

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, BDSM, Dominance and submission, first times, random thoughts, sexual awakening, trent's thoughts

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Sites Trent Loves

Megan Michaels – Author
Natasha Knight – Author
Sadey Quinn – Author
Anneke Jacob – Author
Joey W. Hill – Author
Annabel Joseph – Author
Maren Smith – Author
1950s Wife
Behind The Chintz Curtain
Jolynn Raymond – Author
Sue Lyndon – Author
Michael Manning – Artist

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