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You are here: Home / Archives for BDSM safety

30 Days of Kink — Day 20

August 22, 2013 By Trent Evans

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I’d like to talk about two different topics here — one I don’t understand, and one I’m curious about.

“Stop doing kink that way! You’re going to ruin everything!”

I’m probably going to step on some toes here, but one of the things I don’t understand with regard to kink is why a significant cohort of kink practitioners/proponents feel a need to lecture or instruct others on what the “proper” form of kink expression is.  Note that I’m not referring to people who talk about safety — it should go without saying that advocating safety is a good thing.

No, what I’m getting at is this idea that’s put forth that certain types of kink are beyond the pale, or that if anyone decides to engage in activity outside the protective confines of SSC or RACK then they have somehow gone off the reservation. Often it’s quite subtle, but I’m seeing it more and more online — and it baffles me. One of the best, most freeing aspects of kink is the basically subversive nature of it; in many ways, kink is a rebellion against the confines of vanilla sexuality or mores. I’m guessing that that very nature of kink is the source of at least some of its appeal.

There is an ongoing movement afoot to get kink entirely removed as a psychological disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM). The most recent iteration, DSM-V, while not removing paraphilias as a disorder per se, has demoted the status of paraphilias from a full-blown disorder by applying a nebulous if/then equivocation to potential diagnosis: if the paraphilia causes distress then it is a disorder, otherwise, go about your perverted ways, you sickos!

I think this particular type of reevaluation is a good thing indeed, despite the gray areas that remain in APA treatment of kink. Those who’ve followed along with me know that I usually hesitate to deem the experiences of the LGBT community as analogous to those of the kink community (it’s difficult to deem anything as a clear analog to kink), but it is worth noting that the evolution of the treatment of the two respective communities by modern psychology seems to be following a somewhat similar trajectory. The bottom line, to me, is that things appear to be (slowly) moving in the right direction.

But what I’m seeing more and more often is this tendency to “normalize” (read: homogenize) kink in the popular culture. When I see instances of it, the tone often feels like a clumsy sort of kink sales roadshow; frequently it’s discussed in terms or ways that are “lighter” or interspersed with (or drowned in) nervous humor. Perhaps this is an effort to make the “lifestyle” less threatening to people out in the vanilla world? Or maybe it’s just that these kink normalizers simply want to help destigmatize kink? If so, their motives are laudable. However, an effort to destigmatize kink that results in a watering down of the things that make kink distinctive is ultimately (IMHO) self-defeating. Maybe I’m weird — okay, not much “maybe” about that — but I don’t want kink to be “normalized”. Life is full of enough guidelines, rules, and laws as it is, so the last thing I want is kink forced into some neat, tidy, sanitized box.

It’s possible (even likely) that I’m not seeing the “big picture” with this normalization of kink, but what I’ve seen thus far is … troubling. If there are any out there who’d like to explain to me why this brand of kink normalization is a great thing, I’d love to hear from you — either in the comments or privately via the contact form above. I’m genuinely baffled, so I’m open to being edumacated on this subject:)

Now, on to the “curious” topic.

I think it’s fairly clear where my own orientation within kink falls. No, Sheri, bat-shit crazy is not my orientation:) Where was I? Oh yes. Curious.

I am very curious about female switches. Always have been. I’m going to digress a little here, but I promise it will eventually steer back on topic. In fiction, I’m not particularly a fan of femdom where the Domme treats the male sub as a disgusting worm, with really heavy humiliation, and where she generally regards him with outright contempt. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that particular kink though. It’s just not for me. YKINMKBTOK.

What does sometimes interest me, if it’s written well, is the depiction of “strong” male submissives in a more loving (though still strict) D/s dynamic with their Domme. Joey W Hill does this particularly well. I’m certainly not normally oriented toward the male sub mindset, but when depicted in that way, I can definitely see the motivation, feel how that dynamic might work for the couple. It’s something I have to be able to do with female subs when I write about them, so I think it’s valuable to be able to get into that headspace with a male sub too. This is where female switches come in.

They are comfortable in both roles, though in my (admittedly limited) interaction with real-life switches, I’ve noticed that they often seem to lean toward one side more than the other. What fascinates me about them is that they don’t see things in a binary way; they don’t feel either dominant or submissive, rather they seem to have a fluid sort of orientation that’s adaptable to the situation at hand. I actually admire them for being that comfortable with themselves that they aren’t threatened by embracing both halves of the D/s dynamic.

Even as I admire them, I’m curious as to how they actually do it. To be blunt, I would not feel comfortable in a male submissive role (I think I’d be constantly trying to take over and do shit my way), so it amazes me when other people can be both dominant and submissive, depending upon the needs or wants of the situation or relationship. I don’t know. I’m not 100% closed off to trying it — I’ll try just about anything once — but it’s definitely not natural for me:)

If there are any switches out there who’d like to chime in with how they’re able to do it, I’d definitely love to hear your take.

Until Day 21.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, APA, baffled Trent, BDSM psychology, BDSM safety, D/s, destigmatizing kink, DSM-V, female submission, female switches, health, kink normalization, kink shaming, male submission, mental-health, paraphilias, trent's thoughts

30 Days of Kink – Day 11

August 2, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

This is much too broad a topic to write about here in a blog post, so I will address one aspect of  “kink ethics” that has been bothering me of late: the soft tyranny of Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC). Uh oh,  now I’ve stepped in it. I’m off the reservation. There, got my mixed metaphors out of the way:)

SSC as a concept is a great thing, but there is a problem with it. It’s morphed from something that was formerly a rallying cry, a call for rational, clear thinking to a thing resembling a cudgel to be used to keep the pervy riff raff in line.

Everybody wants everyone to be safe; I think that should go without saying for 99% of us. However, some people who practice BDSM don’t want to be “safe”. I’ll use extreme breathplay as an example. Some normal, awesome people enjoy it. I don’t, but you sure as hell won’t hear me tell someone else that their kink doesn’t fall within the lines (read: prison bars) of SSC, and thus is wrong. This is where SSC becomes kink shaming – which drives me bat poop crazy.

SSC is one way to keep people safe, a set of guidelines perhaps. But it’s not the be all and end all of kink (yes, I realize nobody is saying it is – I loathe strawmen). SSC should absolutely NOT be a way for fellow pervs to deem other pervs beyond the pale.

So why am I writing about this? For those of you who’ve been following along with me, you know I am not a pro Dom. I don’t do clubs. I don’t scene. I am a relationship Dom (mostly). Is that even a term? Doesn’t matter. Why does SSC get under my skin so much? Because I am also a writer of BDSM erotica (and eventually erotic romance).

I am not here to call anybody out…but I have seen some things that disturb me vis-à-vis SSC and BDSM fiction.

I’m going to be blunt here. Fiction is fiction – it is not kink prosletyzing.

If someone wants to write about unsupervised body suspension, mummification, extreme breathplay, texting while driving, whatever it is that causes the SSC acolytes to fall to the ground in grand mal seizures, then they should be able to do so. Fiction is not real life – it’s shit the author made up. That’s it.

An author wants to tell a story – something that makes the reader feel. A writer wants to craft something that connects with the reader as a human being. You don’t tell a story by hitting all your marks in SSC dogma. If you try that then you end up writing a how-to manual. How-to manuals are great for what they are. But they aren’t the same thing as a story manufactured out of whole cloth. When I see someone tear down an author’s work because something occurs in their story that doesn’t conform to SSC, I scratch my head.

Do we berate someone like thriller writer Chelsea Cain? She depicts absolutely ghastly things in her books. But they’re great books, great fiction. Her books are not a how-to for serial killers, or profilers, or cops. They’re fiction; shit she made up. Do we wag our finger at her for depicting something that violates all laws, morals, and basic human decency? No, we see her books for what they are:  great, gripping yarns. The end.

(BTW – if you haven’t checked out Chelsea’s Gretchen Lowell series, you must do so. Like yesterday. Incredible characters, incredible voice. You will not regret it. Sorry, I can’t help it – I am a Chelsea Cain fan.)

But, in BDSM fiction we are seeing just that. It’s happening by inches, but it’s as relentless and unstoppable as the grind of a glacier. BDSM is being normalized, mainstreamed. Is it due to 50 Shades of Grey? I don’t know. I suppose it could be part of it. I think it’s actually more of a function of the commercial success of erotic romance in general.

What particular sub-genre of erotic romance sells the most books?

Paranormal? Maybe in 2010.

Menage? Nope.

Yes, you guessed it – it’s BDSM. I think it’s a GREAT thing. I really do. But, I wonder if the attention currently focused on BDSM is going to turn it into something many of us no longer recognize? Only time will tell.

I’ve seen other writers struggle with their erotica being lumped in with erotic romance, and suffering the ire of erotic romance readers because the story doesn’t include an HEA or strays into areas (such as non-con themes) deemed to be too dark. It’s not fair, but it’s happening.

I’m rambling here, so I am going to wrap this up. I guess what I am getting at here is that the very thing that differentiates kinky people from others – the “forbidden” nature of our orientations – is undergoing some change. How is it possible that BDSM is being both normalized/regulated (SSC dogma) and sanitized (the mainstreaming of BDSM in fiction and the popular consciousness)? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

What does this mean? My guess is that it means one of two things: either the spotlight will eventually move on to something else (and us sickos can get back to the business of being regular sickos), or it doesn’t move on – and it really becomes a new world for kink. Things might get even more interesting!

This post morphed into a mini-rant about a single topic, so maybe I will just call this Day 11 part I  🙂

Until next time.

Trent

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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: 30 Days of Kink, 50 Shades of Grey, bdsm erotica, BDSM fiction, BDSM safety, breathplay, ethics of kink, extreme kinks, gretchen lowell, kink normalization, kink shaming, mixed metaphors, riff raff, safe sane and consensual, SSC, thrillers, writing

30 Days of Kink – Day 10

July 17, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

When I first read this title, I thought to myself  “This is going to be a reaallly short blog post.” So, I had to think about it – for days. After those solemn hours of contemplation I came to a realization…

It’s still going to be a short list:)

I looked through the rest of the questions for 30 Days of Kink, and I don’t see anything for soft limits – so I’ll include some of those too. The list below is what I would or would not be prepared to give, not receive. Just in case there is any confusion:)

I’ll start with differentiating between hard limits and soft limits (for me):

Soft Limit= something I wouldn’t normally do, but might do under certain, very specific conditions.

Hard Limit = something I would not do under any circumstances.

HUGE DISCLAIMER – just because these are my limits, doesn’t mean I am  rendering judgement on others’ kinks (except, obviously, for the kids and animals; those are universal no-nos.)

Here is my list:

  • “Golden showers”/pee – in fiction this can be hot – if written well. Aran Ashe and William Avon do it particularly well. Just not sure it’s something I could do IRL…maybe someday.
  • Blood Play – There is one aspect of blood play that’s a possible one for me: whipping or caning to the blood. If I did it, it would only ever be to the buttocks; nowhere else is it safe IMO (though there are others who say upper back is fine too; I disagree with them). Again, in fiction this can be hot if done right, and in limited doses. IRL? I just don’t have enough practice with whips and canes for it to be safe. Another one that’s a “maybe someday”.
Hard Limits
  • No children or anyone under 18 – no exceptions. This should go without saying.
  • No scat
  • No animals
  • No extreme breathplay (e.g. until unconsciousness). A hand around her throat to assert ownership of my slave? Hell yes. A collar that’s a little snug so that she feels a constant physical reminder of her being owned, controlled? Yes indeed. Leashes? Fuck yes. But despite my weird penchant for enjoying wrestling with and physically taking down a woman, I don’t want to choke her out.
  • Blood play (specifically, cutting) – It’s not something I would ever feel safe doing. Sure, there are some very experienced players who love this, and can do it safely. I’m just not one of them. Oddly enough fantasy author Jacqueline Carey handles cutting VERY well, and she actually makes it scorching hot. If you haven’t read her Kushiel series, you’re missing out.
  • Branding – In fiction it can be so fucking hot, in a very disturbing way. See The Story of O, or the art of Loic Dubigeon I linked to in my Day 8 post for examples of what I mean. However, IRL it’s a bridge too far for me. Unlike tattoos which are (painfully) reversible, branding is – short of skin grafting – not. Best left to fantasy, at least for me.
  • Dishonesty – Don’t roll your eyes. I’m serious. What I mean is a sub not communicating her needs  – which includes HER limits. Don’t try something just because you think he’ll like it, or he tells you to. This is not only for your safety. It’s for mine, too. No Dom/Master/Sadist worth a squirt of piss wants to unintentionally bring something up from a sub’s past or trigger a panic attack – or worse. Communicate, communicate, communicate. If your Dom doesn’t want to communicate, then you’re in danger. Tell him to fuck off, safeword, call a monitor, whatever you need to do. Just don’t go any further. <end rant>
There, see? Not a long list at all. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things, but I think this covers the lion’s share of my limits.
Until Day 11!
Trent


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Filed Under: Trent's Thoughts Tagged With: "scening", BDSM clubs, BDSM safety, blood play, branding, breathplay, Caning, collaring, control, D/s safety, dishonesty, golden showers, hard limits, Kushiel's Dart, leashes, Master/slave, protect your Dom, protect yourself, Story of O, Whipping

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