30 Days of Kink

30 Days of Kink – Day 16

October 29, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Oh boy, this is going to be hard. No guts, no glory …

The answer to this (like many aspects of a person’s personality, I suppose) has significantly changed over time. As a young, budding perv the overwhelming feeling I dealt with day in and day out was shame.

I just knew I was different. To a teenager, different = damaged = freak = worthless. When I was young and, really up until a few years ago (I’m in my mid thirties now, if anyone wonders), I spent most of my time just burying who I was. Burying it deep. Is that the kink version of “in the closet”? I suppose it could be somewhat analogous to that. I think it’s simpler though — it was a complete and utter denial of a vital aspect of my personality, and what made me uniquely me.

For those of us who are kinky, just admitting what we are/like/want is difficult enough; I suspect there are many of us who never even quite get to that point. For me, it was worse … because I was (am) a sadist.

Note to those of you who may be freaking the fuck out at that admission (hopefully there aren’t any, but just in case), please read through my earlier entries on this blog in the 30 Days of Kink. Those entries should clarify for you what I mean by “sadist”. Hint: it definitely doesn’t mean I’m a serial killer. Mmkay).

Believe me when I tell you, it was a long, harrowing road to get from here to there. How would you like it as a young kid to wonder:

– If you were irretrievably broken?

– If somehow people might be frightened of you?

– If you were simply nature’s aberration?

– Why modern psychology’s idiotic definitions (don’t get me fucking started on that subject, dear Lord) essentially labeled you as someone that yes, was broken, was a simple biological aberration?

Yeah, heavy, heavy shit. When you’re young, and dumb, and have zero perspective, everything seems Earth-shattering, immediate, profound. Your problems seem so unique, as if nobody on Earth has ever had to deal with what you’re struggling with.

Then you grow up and realize you are but a tiny, tiny speck of nothing in an unimaginably immense universe of everything — and all of this, and I do mean all of this, has happened before. Over and over and over again.

For some people, that’s a terrifying realization, but for me it was freeing. My problems weren’t insurmountable. Hell, my “problems”, weren’t even problems — they were just me.

So, there’s the self-doubt out of the way. Now comes the isolation. Yes, in this interconnected world isolation (at least in the modern west) should slowly become less of an issue. We hope. For those of us old enough to remember life before the connectedness of the Intertubes though, isolation was a huge concern. There just are only so many pervs to go around. Depending on the research (and the researchers’ particular definitions) I’ve seen online, the percentage of people who practice some form of BDSM are anywhere from 1-25% of the general population. Now, this may be self-serving, or simply wishful thinking on my part, but I suspect the actual number is closer to the upper end of that range.

Somebody bought those metric shit-tons of bodice rippers in the 70s-80s.

Somebody bought all those copies of 50 (yes, I know, I know — the damaged hero trope was what really roped in — heh — the 50 readers. I still ain’t buyin’ that rationalization).

Somebody watches (and pays for) all that internet BDSM porn.

Okay, I’ll get to my point. Though maybe 15-20% (my estimate) are pervs of some stripe, that still leaves us as islands in a sea of vanilla. Worse, the BDSM umbrella is so broad that the spectrum underneath it from A to Z is incredibly diverse. How many of that 15-20% are like me with a penchant for both pain/impact play AND total power exchange? 1% of that 15-20%? Maybe not even that — but you see what I’m getting at here.

Isolation is still a serious hindrance to pervs the world over. The internet is a lifesaver for us, as even if we can’t connect physically, we can communicate with like-minded souls.

The last one I’ll mention is perhaps the most vexing (and sometimes painful) one of all. The feeling of “otherness” in relation to your fellow man. The society we live in is oriented around the vanilla, and for good reason — vanilla is what most of us are, and it works, generally. But pervs always feel as if we are on the outside looking in, both on a societal level and a personal one.

How many of us can speak freely about who we are at the workplace? At home? Or how about in the unassailable redoubt of our own minds? Vanilla people by definition won’t understand, simply because it’s beyond their human experience. Okay, that’s not fair — some do. But to most it’s a baffling mystery at best, disgusting perversion at worst. I’m not worried about those people. What I think pervs struggle the most with is having to keep that part of them from those that are closest to them. It’s akin to walking around with a suit of armor or a mask on your entire life — one you take with you to work, to that Thanksgiving dinner with your family, to your fucking doctor’s office. It never, ever comes off, and it gets to a point that you forget how to take it off. How to be that fully formed person you are. Perhaps that shielding of oneself becomes a permanent part of you.

It did with me. I’m trying to remedy that, but it’s a struggle — and I suspect it always will be. Being able to talk to you helps. It helps a lot. Even if only one person ever reads this, and gains a modicum of perspective, a glimmer of hope, a sense that they can change and start being who they really are … well then all this will have been worth it. Until Day 17.

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 15

October 9, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

A very good friend of mine was kind enough to share her personal sexual “Bucket List”. It was eye-opening to say the least — and it got me to thinking. What things would I like to do, but just (for whatever reason) haven’t had a chance to do? Do I have a sexual/BDSM “bucket list”? Well, I suppose I do, but I will spare you the overshare on this blog. I’ll just mention a few items (only one would make for a rather short blog post).

Note – these are things I would like to do, not have done to me:)

In no particular order:

– Sensory Deprivation –

The thought of having a sub hooded, bound and on her knees is extremely hot. I realize that this is not for everyone, but I know I’d love it. She’s lost in her own world, her own head is her prison. How much of our reality is our sensory perception? What do we become when deprived of it, even for a short time?

She kneels, her own island, a kingdom of one. If she’s fully hooded (with gag and earplugs) she’s left with touch only. She’s helpless, utterly dependent upon you, for everything. It would be something at once erotic and sobering — a way to tie her to you in a way that becomes something much more than physical.

The multi-layered significance of the deprivation is what strikes me most about it. Visually, you’re depriving her of her identity, her uniqueness as a woman. You’ve taken away those gorgeous, luminous eyes, that cascade of dark hair, the delicate beauty of that pretty face. She’s reduced to a commodity: simply breasts, buttocks, a pussy. Total objectification. Yours.

You’re literally depriving her of senses, those things that help make us sentient beings. There cannot be a much higher level of control. Most of all it is something that would take an incredible amount of trust. How can that level of trust between two loving human beings not be erotic and beautiful — even uplifting?

– Caging –

This one is also fairly extreme, but it’s one of those where I always wonder how the reality comports with the fantasy. To look down upon her as she crouches, naked, in her little prison, her big eyes peering up at you, while you’re free to move about the room, the house. Equal parts degradation and objectification, it has a certain unsettling something about it that makes it unique. Incredibly hot in fantasy and in fiction . . . but does it translate well to reality? Who knows, but perhaps someday, I’ll find out.

– Kinbaku –

Japanese rope bondage. Fascinating to me, like almost nothing else. I have virtually zero experience with it, but damn I’d like to change that someday. I equate this to being able to treat your sub as a sort of toy — she becomes almost your puppet. Most of all, thinking about what’s going through her head as she’s bound adds so much more to it. Her arousal and fear at her helplessness, her embarrassment at her exposure, her discomfort even pain at the positions her body is forced into. While your fingers play over the tight skin of her bulging breasts constricted in her chest harness, the rough rope of the crotch tie abrading the soft tissues of her wet pussy, her mind is where the really interesting action is taking place. Oh if only we could crawl in there with her and witness it for ourselves:)

Ah, maybe someday. We don’t always get to do everything on our bucket list, but sometimes life presents . . . opportunities:)

What about you? What are some of the items on your bucket list?

Until Day 16!

Best,

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 14

September 9, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

The disconnect between the fantasy and the reality of BDSM can be slight, or it can be vast. There are so many facets of BDSM that answering this question comprehensively is, really, not possible. So, with that in mind, I will cite an example that is relevant to me.

I think all of us have central themes or persistent imagery that we keep coming back to in our sexual fantasies; it would be human nature to keep doing what “works” 🙂 One of the central fantasy themes for me is the idea of consensual non-consent. Essentially what this means is that a sub or slave gives her Dom or Master an initial blanket consent which from that point onward allows him to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes — whether she wants to at the time or not.

Why does this appeal to me? To be blunt, I think it’s a “safer” way to play with the fantasy of force. It’s extremely difficult for me to say this, but if I’m going to be intellectually honest, I think this is the unadulterated core of the consensual non-consent kink.

For men especially, the idea that forcing someone sexually is culturally, morally, and legally ingrained into us as being wrong—and outside of a consensual non-consent sexual relationship it IS wrong. But fantasy, which (I believe) is just a way for the mind to process and integrate lower, baser urges into our individual moral consciousness, doesn’t stay within those sensible boundaries . . . nor should it.

(I need to reiterate here that just because a man may be turned on by the idea of consensual non-consent, it DOES NOT mean in any way whatsoever that he is turned on by forcible rape. Please note the word ‘consensual’— it makes a world of difference. There, equivocation over.)

Humans evolved in a harsh, unforgiving world, and like the animal kingdom as a whole, humans survived by adapting. It coarsened us, this requirement to follow baser urges and instincts in order to survive. After all, early man likely saw little use for pondering why the sky was blue as he was being chased up a tree by a smilodon. Early man learned to harness, to mold, to conquer, and those instincts, those urges, are still with us today — whether we want to admit it or not.

Thankfully modern society, and the evolution of our own brains have helped us tame the beast inside us all. Well, most of us anyway. But the fantasy of force is a common one and I believe this is one of the reasons why BDSM is as popular as it is.

(As an aside, I believe the core concepts of BDSM have always been popular — witness the corporal punishment and degradation themes commonly found in Victorian-era smut, or going back much farther, crack open Suetonius to get a glimpse at a society quite open about the baser urges of man. Coming back to the modern era, look at the popularity of “bodice rippers” in the 70s-80s. Though many devotees of that particular form of romance fiction would be loathe to admit it, the themes in those works are indeed close cousins to contemporary expressions of BDSM.)

But circling back to the disconnect between fantasy and reality, there are certainly problems with the nuts and bolts of consensual non-consent. Chief among those problems is that it would be tiring. What, you say? Tiring? Well, yes, it would be. Personally, I very much enjoy women, and find them interesting to talk to, live life with, love. I would not be able to sustain the constant formality such a framework demands. In modern society, it would take an incredible amount of effort, and literally rearranging ALL aspects of both the Master’s and slave’s lives. Anneke Jacob tackles these day to day challenges in a truly fascinating way in her masterpiece As She’s Told. In that story, it quickly becomes apparent that no matter how much two people really want full 24/7 TPE, modern society is built in such a way as to make it practically impossible (and if we can take a step back from our kinks, we will see that this is in fact a very good thing.)

While 24/7 TPE consensual non-consent is indeed an incredibly powerful fantasy, the logistics of it just make it something that really couldn’t be done in modern society. In Jacob’s book, the compromise becomes instituting it whenever and wherever possible, but allowing for those times when it’s just not possible. The result is a constant undercurrent of excitement, fear, anticipation and most of all, lust. Such is the stuff fantasy is made of, no?

What is missing though are those small, quiet moments in life. The ones that we’ll remember on our death beds. The feel of her hand in yours as you walk through the chill night air, her brimming eyes as she catches first sight of her newborn child, the comfort of her embrace on a sleepy weekend morning. These are the things of day to day life that are just as important as the fulfillment of our fantasies. So, in effect what I am saying is that I think the reality is that you can have a 24/7 TPE relationship framework but that the actual execution of it would need to be flexible enough to meet the exigencies of our hectic, modern lives.

Again, this is a question that deserves a much longer, more in-depth answer, but since I am approaching a thousand words of flapping my gums, I will just leave it here;)

Until Day 15!

Best,

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 13

September 2, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Intensity. That’s what comes to mind when I think of this question. Be it physical or psychological (or maybe even spiritual), BDSM is simply more intense than vanilla sex/sexuality. Perhaps that might be a trifle self-serving — after all since I’m not by any stretch of the imagination “vanilla”, I can’t really compare the levels of intensity. But I suspect that I can make a fairly educated guess:)

Part of this intensity, to me, relates to the ability to strip the human psyche down to its most primal parts. When you get right down to it, humans are animals, with animalistic drives. Sex is one of the most powerful of those drives; witness planet Earth, fair teeming with 7 BILLION of us.

Sexuality expressed within the context of BDSM allows us the freedom to be who we really are deep down inside, to embrace that raw, primal being. This “freedom” is paradoxical, but no less true, for that kneeling sub bound tightly in her rope. In a more subtle way, for the Dom it allows him to throw off the cultural/societal strictures and prohibitions, and get in touch with that inner animal, that being that seeks to control, to conquer, to revel in the power of imposing his will on his beloved submissive.

The animal world is replete with unequal power dynamics with regard to sexuality. Though we like to think we are so very much different, we’re kidding ourselves. Our drives are no different, rather they are tempered, restrained by higher functioning brains, our capacity for reason, our singular ability to be aware of our own consciousness, and our place in the larger world. When it comes down to sex though . . . the ancient, lower functioning (some will refer to it as ‘reptilian’) brain is very much the underlying, driving force.

BDSM allows one to acknowledge that fact, and rather than try to suppress it, one can redirect it, draw from it, for the (hopefully) mutual pleasure of all involved. It’s all too tempting to generalize about the innate natures of males and females here. I’m not going to do it though, simply because the human race is so marked by exception, contradiction, and just plain baffling craziness, that there is no point in it. I can only speak for me, and with luck, most of time such speech will be cogent:)

The ‘why’ of this question is the tougher nut to crack. I suspect many of us in the BDSM “community” (I sometimes scratch my head at the meaning of that term, but I suppose it works) will never really understand why we are the way we are. Personally, I don’t think it really matters. Do vanilla people sit down and navel gaze about why they like what they like? My guess is . . . no. I think we, for whatever reason, were (for the majority of us) made this way. I was going to say ‘born this way’, but then Lady Gaga started playing in my head. Sorry, where was I?

As with so much else when it comes to human sexuality, the why (when it can be determined at all) is never simple. The human mind is so incredibly complex, every process and structure so interconnected, that it is impossible to determine a single causative factor in determining why someone likes what they like. We can deduce, surmise, and guess forever — and we’ll still never nail it down.

For me, part of the appeal is the mystery of the motivation, the uncertainty of the origins of such urges. It adds a spice, an underlying ambiguity, even a danger to everything we do. We pervs key in on this, again, as animalistic beings. We just can’t help it.

I’ve always found one of the most fascinating aspects of quantum mechanics to be the Uncertainty Principle. In laymen’s terms, this states that it is actually impossible to pinpoint simultaneously, with zero probability for error, the exact position and velocity of a particle (physics majors: yes, I understand I am grossly simplifying here).

I bring this up for two reasons: 1) I’m a nerd, 2) I equate the ‘why’ of BDSM sexuality with this principle. Bet you never thought you’d see someone connect quantum mechanics with whips and chains. Yes, that just happened.

We really can never know, exactly, why we are who we are. To my twisted mind, this not only adds mystery and excitement, but it lends me a modicum of comfort as well. Do any of us really want to be completely understood (or even fully understand ourselves)? If we’re honest, I’ll bet most of us would answer ‘hell no’.

There are, of course, reasons we can cite for individual kinks that we like, but even there we will get tripped up in the exact whys of things. For instance, I am a big time fan of spanking and corporal punishment. I find the female buttocks probably one of the most beautiful, viscerally exciting sights in the world. Spanking a woman . . . it’s just right. The why is pretty easy to guess, but can we nail it down precisely? No, we can’t— if we’re honest with ourselves. Do I think about this as I am spanking a woman, feeling her body against mine, listening to her cry out, watching the color of her bottom deepen further and further? Of course not—I accept, and enjoy.

I’m going to leave this here, because this is such a fascinating question that I could easily write a damned book about it. Rather than continue flapping my gums, I’ll quit while I’m ahead:) Until Day 14!

Best,

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 11

August 2, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

This is much too broad a topic to write about here in a blog post, so I will address one aspect of “kink ethics” that has been bothering me of late: the soft tyranny of Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC). Uh oh, now I’ve stepped in it. I’m off the reservation. There, got my mixed metaphors out of the way:)

SSC as a concept is a great thing, but there is a problem with it. It’s morphed from something that was formerly a rallying cry, a call for rational, clear thinking to a thing resembling a cudgel to be used to keep the pervy riff raff in line.

Everybody wants everyone to be safe; I think that should go without saying for 99% of us. However, some people who practice BDSM don’t want to be “safe”. I’ll use extreme breathplay as an example. Some normal, awesome people enjoy it. I don’t, but you sure as hell won’t hear me tell someone else that their kink doesn’t fall within the lines (read: prison bars) of SSC, and thus is wrong. This is where SSC becomes kink shaming – which drives me bat poop crazy.

SSC is one way to keep people safe, a set of guidelines perhaps. But it’s not the be all and end all of kink (yes, I realize nobody is saying it is – I loathe strawmen). SSC should absolutely NOT be a way for fellow pervs to deem other pervs beyond the pale.

So why am I writing about this? For those of you who’ve been following along with me, you know I am not a pro Dom. I don’t do clubs. I don’t scene. I am a relationship Dom (mostly). Is that even a term? Doesn’t matter. Why does SSC get under my skin so much? Because I am also a writer of BDSM erotica (and eventually erotic romance).

I am not here to call anybody out…but I have seen some things that disturb me vis-à-vis SSC and BDSM fiction.

I’m going to be blunt here. Fiction is fiction – it is not kink prosletyzing.

If someone wants to write about unsupervised body suspension, mummification, extreme breathplay, texting while driving, whatever it is that causes the SSC acolytes to fall to the ground in grand mal seizures, then they should be able to do so. Fiction is not real life – it’s shit the author made up. That’s it.

An author wants to tell a story – something that makes the reader feel. A writer wants to craft something that connects with the reader as a human being. You don’t tell a story by hitting all your marks in SSC dogma. If you try that then you end up writing a how-to manual. How-to manuals are great for what they are. But they aren’t the same thing as a story manufactured out of whole cloth. When I see someone tear down an author’s work because something occurs in their story that doesn’t conform to SSC, I scratch my head.

Do we berate someone like thriller writer Chelsea Cain? She depicts absolutely ghastly things in her books. But they’re great books, great fiction. Her books are not a how-to for serial killers, or profilers, or cops. They’re fiction; shit she made up. Do we wag our finger at her for depicting something that violates all laws, morals, and basic human decency? No, we see her books for what they are: great, gripping yarns. The end.

(BTW – if you haven’t checked out Chelsea’s Gretchen Lowell series, you must do so. Like yesterday. Incredible characters, incredible voice. You will not regret it. Sorry, I can’t help it – I am a Chelsea Cain fan.)

But, in BDSM fiction we are seeing just that. It’s happening by inches, but it’s as relentless and unstoppable as the grind of a glacier. BDSM is being normalized, mainstreamed. Is it due to 50 Shades of Grey? I don’t know. I suppose it could be part of it. I think it’s actually more of a function of the commercial success of erotic romance in general.

What particular sub-genre of erotic romance sells the most books?

Paranormal? Maybe in 2010.

Menage? Nope.

Yes, you guessed it – it’s BDSM. I think it’s a GREAT thing. I really do. But, I wonder if the attention currently focused on BDSM is going to turn it into something many of us no longer recognize? Only time will tell.

I’ve seen other writers struggle with their erotica being lumped in with erotic romance, and suffering the ire of erotic romance readers because the story doesn’t include an HEA or strays into areas (such as non-con themes) deemed to be too dark. It’s not fair, but it’s happening.

I’m rambling here, so I am going to wrap this up. I guess what I am getting at here is that the very thing that differentiates kinky people from others – the “forbidden” nature of our orientations – is undergoing some change. How is it possible that BDSM is being both normalized/regulated (SSC dogma) and sanitized (the mainstreaming of BDSM in fiction and the popular consciousness)? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

What does this mean? My guess is that it means one of two things: either the spotlight will eventually move on to something else (and us sickos can get back to the business of being regular sickos), or it doesn’t move on – and it really becomes a new world for kink. Things might get even more interesting!

This post morphed into a mini-rant about a single topic, so maybe I will just call this Day 11 part I 🙂

Until next time.

Trent

30 Days of Kink: Day 7

June 11, 2012 By Trent Evans

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Must I pick one? To be perfectly honest, I prefer spanking with the hand (yes, I know ‘toy’ goes far beyond just spanking implements). That said, the cane is my favorite, with the crop as an honorable mention.

The cane is so innocuous at first glance; merely a thin stick, really. How could that little thing possibly be so fearsome? Many people have never felt the cane applied to them. They’re lucky in one sense; it hurts like hell.

In another sense though, if they are interested in spanking and/or BDSM, they are missing out. If you like spanking and have never encountered the cane, then you are bereft of experience with the “heavy artillery”. It takes a lot of practice to be proficient at its use; if you have an adventurous, trusting girl to help you practice, then you are a very lucky man indeed!

If your challenging little sub is starting to yawn as you tire out your spanking hand on her round little ass, then it’s time to up the ante. That mouth, where before it was yawning, will soon be frozen in a shocked expression of woe, as she first feels that two stage burn-ache of a good cane stroke. After a dozen (or two) cuts with that evil length of rattan, she won’t take her eyes from the floor the next morning:)

In many ways the crop is the equal of the cane. Wielded properly it is capable of inflicting searing, agonizing pain. Indeed, the implement was developed for the much tougher hide of horses. No matter how jaded, how tough your beloved slave thinks she is, she will lose a battle with the crop; her stoicism will invariably give way to tears, pleading, and surrender. Nothing else save the cane has quite the impact of the crop in this regard.

There is one other aspect of the crop that sets it apart from other implements: psychological impact. This is an implement wielded by someone in control of another (whether it’s a thoroughbred or a slave, it matters not), subject to the whims, the commands of the one in control. Can a girl, standing trembling before her master as he flexes that lethal black implement in his hands fail to draw such parallels? Does it humiliate her, or elicit a dark, taboo excitement? Maybe it’s both?

The stern master, clutching the finely braided leather of the handle, awaits the lowly slavegirl as she divests her bottom of what meager garments her owner allows her. She prostrates herself, presenting the tender, vulnerable twin moons of her buttocks for punishment. Does he lecture her on her litany of sins as he paces behind her, the crop snapping against the tough leather of his boots? Does he make her feel the cold, black crop against her lips as she is instructed to kiss the implement of her correction?

The psychological impact of both of these implements of correction, is at least as important as the physical one. After all, isn’t the domination of the mind just as important (or maybe more important) as the domination of the body?

What do you think? Do you like these implements? Hate them? Why?

Until Day 8,

Trent

30 Days of Kink – Day 16

30 Days of Kink – Day 15

30 Days of Kink – Day 13

30 Days of Kink – Day 11

30 Days of Kink: Day 7

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